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basically, on july 23/24 of 2021 (today), my ED relapsed after being 2 years clean. this was after i had recovered from a virus and noticed a tremendous drop in my weight. i looked 500 times better than before, and i felt euphoric as a result. this, topped off with the last remaining good parts of my personal life seeming to permanently dissipate, was the perfect combination. (healthy mindset? idk her. seems cringe.) historically, i have never had any serious health complications related to ED, which makes me very lucky. i have had heart problems related to drug usage and this was while i was fasting, so maybe that counts but i'm not sure. i am what the millennials like to call "straight edge" now - i am scared to touch a stimulant again and i fucking hate alcohol - so i think i'll be good for a while, especially since i've ordered all the vitamins and supplements i used back in the day. it made me nostalgic, even though that era of my life was unequivocally the worst, which tells me that my ED was one of the better parts of it. kek.
this paragraph originally said that i won't be weighing myself because my parents hide the scales, but i fucking FOUND them so that's not a problem. i am 46.6kg (starting weight) and 5'4". goal weight for now is 42.
i don't even care much about the aesthetic side of ED. maybe i used to in the beginning, but i mostly revel in the concept of it. shrinking and shrivelling and deteriorating your health and becoming nothing, even while you're alive and young. when your life is already joyless and hopeless, why not? in fact, this is a source of joy in itself. i'm giggling all excitedly as i write this. i may have lost my mind, but it's giving me pleasure that's second to none.
unlike my regular journal page, these entries will be in chronological order, rather than descending order.
the scales fucking broke because of course they did. they told me i weighed 32kg, which is definitely not true. eyeballing and tape measuring it is, then.
my family fed me both times i ate today, but i made sure they wouldn't cook me steak and i didn't snack once. i forgot how easy it is to control those urges, and it's a massive boost to my self esteem. i'm used to not being able to do anything well enough, but this still comes naturally. even when i have no choice in my meals, i still have my old friend mr. box of laxatives. i consumed about 1055 calories today, which feels like too much, but i'm easing myself back in + my weight gain is little to none from yesterday.
even more weight loss. i've only ate slices of apple and cucumber so far today, and i took a shit so i'm looking fucking amazing. stomach is almost totally flat already, i feel like a god. my problem areas will always be my thighs, ass, upper arms and calves because that's where my body fat mostly goes. i ain't stopping until that shit stops jiggling, and even then i won't stop until i'm bones in the ground.
the grumbly feeling in your stomach when you're hungry is a genuinely nice feeling to me, i've thought that even before i developed an ED. it's been a while since i've got that, but i got it just a few minutes ago. we're doing something right, thumbsup!!! i don't miss the lack of energy though. still, that means if i take more naps then that's more excuses for not eating. if i'm smart with this stuff, my family won't think anything is wrong.-----------------------------------
i had a little slice of pizza (67) and a 10g bag of popcorn (44), taking my daily total to roughly 173kcal. if i'm in this for the long haul, then i should probably commit to working out. i found a few promising youtube videos, tried one out and loved it. it's focused on thighs - i'll be doing it every day for 2 weeks + i'll keep reporting back. i could definitely feel the burns, but it wasn't actually bad at all. exercise must release some kind of happy hormones, beacuse i do feel a lot better than i did beforehand.-----------------------------------
food tastes so much fucking nicer when you don't eat properly. i had one little wrap from a 2-pack, and i was worried that it'd make me hungry for the second but i had no trouble throwing it away. it's a lot easier to feel full now too. there are literally only positives here, and i am so happy that at least one thing is going smooth and well in my life. final total: 426kcal.
i should also point out i am incredibly insecure about the fat on my face. i'm often mistaken for being 3-5 years younger than i am because of the roundness and chubbiness of my face, and i absolutely HATE the fat underneath my chin/jaw. i found a workout that genuinely seems to be working for people, and i can sit in bed doing it as it only exercises my face & shoulders, so i'll be doing this twice a day for the forseeable future. i tried it out in bed during the midnight hour and it was fun - will do it again at some point in the day, maybe twice, as well as the thigh workout.-----------------------------------
~500kcal consumed today. trying not to give in to urges. did my workouts. i checked my body a few hours ago, and wow i'm still fucking disgusting actually. especially on my back. good improvements in the areas i've been focusing on, but i need to direct more attention elsewhere.
i had my moment of glory where i finally fit in a dress i bought a year ago that never fit me. after a few minutes, i took it off and pigged out. i had to. i don't want to hurt him anymore.-----------------------------------
ok, i said that when really i just had a pot of instant noodles and a single twirl bar. i never realised how many calories were in chocolate though, holy fuck. it wasn't even that much but it was 531KCAL... and i used to eat entire multipacks in a day. fucking hell. i'll try to avoid eating for the rest of the day so i can stay at 811kcal. should be easy, since everyone's too ill to cook for me that would - and my dad forgets to do stuff like that. i still consider this recovery, because i've ate more than before and it should be less concerning to everyone. please do not worry about me. i am fine. i have almost always been naturally underweight anyway.
life hack, folks: go out on your own more often. you get a shitton of steps in, can buy the suspect things you need in peace (e.g. multivitamins and fibre bars), and when you come home you can lie that you went to a restaurant and ate a big burger. all i ate today was some simple salad and one fibre one brownie (total ~296kcal), and i was walking around for basically 2 straight hours. that was to make up for yesterday, because i ended up consuming about 1100 calories, oink oink. i don't actually feel like this is even bad for my health right now. i haven't fasted yet and maybe i don't need to. i'm basically getting rid of all my unnatural fat from when i was eating like shit. when i'm in fainting-and-shitting-weird territory, i'll recover. no consequences allowed!!! i stopped doing the thigh workout because it was making me too achy throughout the day, but i'm keeping on top of that face workout because it's doing wonders. baby fat, begone.
i just binged in the middle of the night, undoing a lot of my hard work. roughly 630kcal in the space of 40 minutes. i'm ashamed. however, now that i'm going to have actual energy when i wake up, i will probably go crazy on the workouts lolol. i'll explain what i did to my mother as well, and she'll probably be more forgiving of me not eating as much - especially since she thinks i fed myself well yesterday. i'll for sure take my fat ass for a walk.-----------------------------------
we totalled at 999 today, pretty based number. i thought that would bug me more than it does. i'm too relieved about other things in my life to care, and i'm bored of making everything revolve around how i look and food numbers anyway. i will definitely take away some of the cool new foods and actual health tips i learned, though. i will continue to exercise. i just don't need to be unhealthy anymore. i may have the odd days, but i want to at least try and do more with my life. plus, i'm sick of those i interact with every day getting mad at me for not looking after myself. i fucking hate admitting defeat, but i guess i have to. for now. by the way, i recommend everyone invest in multivitamin pastilles. i had a bassetts raspberry & pomegranate one today - not only was it delicious, i also feel like i can think a lot better now. i don't know if that's a placebo or what, but it definitely made a good difference.
around 800-900kcal today - i do feel a lot better and i'm happier to continue exercise now. i'm not going too hard on the restricting anymore so i can find my balance between these things. i went out again so i got some steps in - not as many as thursday, but that's a good thing, because i would surely have been knocked out.
roughly 580-600kcal today. nothing new to report. i mentioned this in the main journal video, but fibre one popcorn chocolate bars are godly. i should have a brand deal with them by now. i might put a list of my safe foods at the side, thinking about it. oh yeah, also i found out my favourite fast food order is actually only 480kcal, so that's a weight lifted off my shoulders. i can easily plan for it and i could technically have it weekly if i really wanted to.
again, nothing groundbreaking. 674kcal today. working out my arms feels good and is the most important thing to me atm; i think i'm at exactly 100lbs now, but i don't really look much different. i went on a relatively long walk again too, over an hour. i am once again recommending a protein bar and a multivitamin for when you wake up, it's a lifesaving recipe.
i wasn't as active today as i have been for the past week or so. i will go out to make up for that tomorrow. i can't work out my arms for the next few days either, since i need to wait for my muscles to heal; apparently a workout once a day for 2 days was too much for them. about 750kcal today. feeling pretty good, and oddly no real difference to how i felt before i relapsed. perhaps i was just overeating, and now i'm controlling myself to be normal. hmm.
i have a discord server where i am the only member, and i use it to organise my shit and remind me of stuff. i created an entire section for my eating and motivation etc - i won't give away the exact list of all the channels and what they're for, because i don't want to encourage anyone sane to go off the rails. it's been proving very helpful, anyway.
i basically fasted the whole day - i ate a fibre bar and an apple when i woke up, and i went out for a few hours so i was running off of less than 200 calories all day. i decided i'm going to eat like a normal human tonight, so i ordered a big meal that will take me up to around 1100kcal. i doubt i'll do it again for a long time as uni approaches, whatever!!
i haven't ate a single thing all day, went for another walk and did a workout. hopefully i can pull off a 24hr fast. i'm slightly light-headed, but it doesn't seem to be much of an issue when i keep drinking water. it's definitely better than when i woke up with random dizziness yesterday that lasted for hoursss.
the best thing about all of this mess is that when i do actually allow myself to eat, it's fucking amazing. i used to eat all the time and i kind of became numb to it, i didn't really care about or enjoy food at all. but now it's basically the best thing ever and the highlight of my week, lol.-----------------------------------
i had a couple of things (being some tiny chicken bites and a protein bar) to stop me from fainting - totalled at 241kcal. a nice day to clean out the crap in my system.
i had a fibre bar during the midnight hour, because i went through some oddly specific emotion where i really just wanted to shit out the remainders of the binge, but i would rather die than start abusing lax pills. i tried chicken gyoza dumplings for the first time (very good) and actually made myself a nice lil sandwich, so i felt happy and accomplished for that. also ate a multivitamin and a single bourbon biscuit. we're at 458kcal. it's 7pm, so i might snack later, but i'll try not to. even if it wouldn't be much, i just need to revert to the pre-binge physique. maybe i've already done that, but even so, i want to help myself a little more.
364kcal today. i should also add that i only count the calories i consume - i don't take the amount i burn into account. so yeah. i went out again, so i would've burned a fair amount. i had a red velvet cupcake from tesco for the first time in ages and they are fucking heavenly. easily the best, would recommend. they come in a pack of two and i only ate one, which took excruciating self-control, but i'm glad i did it. i was too tired and distracted to do my workout when i got home, but that's not a massive loss. it's getting boring updating this to be honest, but i will continue for my own sake.
i ate foods that i haven't really ate since my relapse, and still only 842kcal. i feel like i'm barely losing weight at all anymore, though. i think i might give up for a while, then resume when it's closer to uni, but it's not exactly something i can just give up... idk what psychological trickery i will need to pull to recover, but i want to do it anyway.
i didn't count my calories today. i had the craziest binge in the middle of the night and ate like a normal person throughout the day. i probably ate close to 2000 calories. i think this was what i needed to carry on restricting. i gave myself the satisfaction, but now i feel nothing but terrible as a result, and i refuse to look at myself in the mirror. i cleaned myself out, then i just put all the crap back in. oh well. we have time.
707kcal today, trying to slowly bring down my intake again and i feel a lot better than i did yesterday. a lot of damage left to undo, but i'm confident i'll get there quick. my eating was nicely spread out, and i ate some stuff i really like but there was no binging, so i didn't feel bad about doing so!! a very good day to be a food eater. i'm already falling asleep and it's not 10pm yet, since i was up early to sort out uni applications and things. sleep is crucial for getting my plans here to work so we sre off to a good start. i'm optimistic again yay
568 today. bored.
i've been scared into high restriction because of a few things i read about low restriction. i'm gonna try and stick to 700-900kcal for a while now - i think i'll still lose weight, just slower. ate about 988 today. it feels wrong, but i won't think about it too much.
985kcal today. i need to stop eating random crap in the middle of the night. i went on a nice walk today.
threw some new workouts into the mix and i am enjoying them a lot. i took a break from it all for a while because i was feeling particularly shitty, but i'm back and better than ever. totalled at 856kcal today - again, i snacked in the middle of the night, but i wasn't particularly hungry during the day, so i'm pretty happy about that.
667kcal today. went on another long walk. watched some of those terrible british shows from the 2000s about weight. worked out a lot. i haven't had any communication with anyone other than my family today. not even messaged anyone. i can feel myself slipping away. i feel empty.
809 today. i ate a banana, 2 cupcakes and 7 gyoza. i would've ate just one cupcake, but i was determined i was going to kill myself, so i told myself it didn't matter. i didn't exercise because i felt like utter shit and had no will to live, but i was out for many hours, so i got a lot of steps in. i took 2 shits as well. all my eating disordered frens will understand how exciting that is. usually we will only have 1 shit every 4 days to a week. maybe it's because i started my period or had a whole nervous breakdown, i don't know, there was a lot going on and i tend to shit when i'm stressed. it's very welcome, anyway.
i mostly relaxed today, but did some working out. ate 995kcal. i could've gotten away with an omad but i felt like nourishing myself better, since no one who matters is going to be seeing me for a while anyway. i have a bit of brain fog going on.
i binged in the midnight hour and consumed 870 calories, but thankfully it didn't really make a difference at all, since my period combined with the binge itself gave my metabolism a heartful boost. i think after i slept (only for 3 hours might i add) and then pooped, i ended up with less weight on me than before i binged. we really found a cheat code.-----------------------------------
total intake 1670, but you might as well take off 870 and it would be the same as a regular day. i love this for me
back on track - 811kcal today. walked for about an hour and worked out for half an hour, as per usual when i am not too depressed.
i didn't sleep at all last night, so hopefully i can collapse nice and early. went out today and totalled at 991kcal. i can fit into children's clothing from primark - an interesting revelation. the following is a regurgitation of messages i sent my friend, but i don't think i have actually made any discernable difference to my appearance compared to before my relapse, which is a kick in the ass. i get all the physical and mental suffering against my will, and almost nothing to make up for it - not even for the shallowest of mindsets i can put on to forward this mental illness. i want to try and recover because i can't be fucked, and i liked it when i had energy. this isn't something that happens overnight though, as everyone who knows anything about EDs knows. i do think if i carry on just a little bit longer i will see better results. either way it's not like i'm in much of a position to care about my appearance, so i don't know anymore. i am scared that if i try and "recover" too quick, i will end up on the opposite end of the unhealthy spectrum where i just constantly shovel shit in my body and never have the will to exercise anymore. i don't know. a lot to think about. my brain is completely fried, so i'm sorry if this was hard to read.
i'm writing this entry a day late. i had stuff i wanted to say, but i was too exhausted to write at the time, and i was too drained and preoccupied with suicidal ideation to remember. anyway, on this day i totalled 994kcal. i think i'm going to try lower restriction again, because i doubt i'll be very physically active for a while.
897kcal. nothing out of the ordinary. i did find some ice lollies that were only 30 calories each, so i got excited about that.
i get days where i am incredibly dizzy and light-headed all day, and this is one of those days. i have been eating pretty healthy, anyway. my mother is starting to suspect something is up, so i didn't count the calories of my dinner, but my daily total is somewhere between 800-950.
i still don't have scales, but at an estimate i am now 98lbs. bmi 16 point fucking 8. i might actually keep to high restriction after all, because that is really fucking reassuring to know. it won't be long before i reach my gw and i can eat normally to maintain :))-----------------------------------
an incredulous amount of chew/spitting took place today. i also went out and found the best protein bar yet in terms of calorie-to-macronutrients ratio. i can fit perfectly in most of the 2XS clothes in primark, but i'm pretty sure they're just doing vanity sizing at this point. all in all, a successful day. a total intake of 707kcal. i wish i would get over my fear of drinking anything that isn't water or lemon-flavoured. i just kept staring at a cherry coke zero today, thinking it's probably very good but i was too afraid to buy it. grr.
i woke up at 1pm and my appetite was surprisingly calm, so i actually only ate 360kcal today. i somehow don't feel dead. i am looking better day by day, too. euphoria.
899kcal today, not counting the fuckton of fibre bars i ate because i pretty much just shit them out. i went on a long walk listening to deftones, like i do every 2 or 3 days. yup.
i feel like i ate a lot today, but i have 828kcal recorded, which is pretty much the average. i left out some of it, though. it was hard to keep track, because i felt overwhelming hunger at points. it's getting embarrassing, and i'm tired of everything.
785kcal today -- we had a family buffet-type thing as it's nearing my brother's birthday, and i had a slice of cake, but i managed to be very careful with it. it felt very rewarding. i also worked out a lot, more than my average day, so i'm pretty proud of msyelf. it is starting to get boring and counterproductive having my ED thoughts and disciplines hanging over my head all of the time, but at least it's rewarding.
376kcal today. my brother had friends over all day (they're still here, 3 of them sleeping over), so i was able to hide in my room the entire time. my parents went out to a restaurant, so i could pretend i ate something while they were out. most of today's calories came from me snacking in the middle of the night, so really i only ate 155 during the day. it helped a lot that i basically didn't leave my bed at all, but still. yeah. the honeymoon phase is over i guess, because i no longer derive much of anything out of my ED hanging over my head all the time. however, i am finding it a lot easier to control myself as i continue, so i know it's not for nothing.
i counted 976kcal today, although i didn't count a couple of snacks i had towards the end of the day. i convinced myself i was going to recover, but like 10 minutes later i started c/s-ing. so there's that. however, good news for me: i got the scales working again and i am now 95.8lbs. so that's pretty cool. it means in just over a month, i have lost about 8lbs. i should reach my goal weight pretty soon, then i can relax a bit and maintain. doesn't mean i will, but i might force myself to if i feel like i'm on the verge of death. i'm sorry i haven't really been updating other parts of my site besides here; there isn't much else new going on in my life at the moment.
i wanted to stay in 500-600kcal today, but couldn't resist and ended up at 862. ew. not bad, but it's my brother's birthday tomorrow so there will probably be a lot of calories that i can't avoid. i don't mind maintaining for a while, but i still don't want to and i'm a little bit pissed off at myself. i haven't been able to work out either, my muscles ache a lot from overworking them. i'll be fine, and i'll get back to it soon. probably after my vaccine - if i'm not nourished before i get my second dose, i might suffer.
welcome to anorexic girl autumn! ironic because my intake was about 1090 today. i snacked a little bit in the middle of the night before i fell asleep, and it's my brother's birthday, so i ate a slice of cake without c/s-ing. thankfully, i went on a long walk in the afternoon, and i'm able to work out again. i am now part of some hardcore, crazy, competitive, proana bitch group chat that's meant to last until the end of the season, so i might not be as active with my updates here. i will still write my stats here every day, but don't expect much else of substance. maybe that'll mean i focus on the actually interesting, non-ED-related parts of my site though. the group chat also made me get a pedometer app, so i can track how many calories i'm burning with my steps too. yes, my life is slowly being taken over again by this shit. oh well. it feels like i have more energy than i did a few weeks ago, anyway. i'll be fine for a while.
i went on another long walk and did a fair bit of pacing around my house because this group is competitive as fuck. intake was 477kcal today but i burned most of it. i am very bloated rn and i have no idea why. maybe it's because i haven't shit in quite a while, i doubt it's PMS because my period isn't due for another 2 weeks, maybe i'm fucking pregnant. i have no idea. but i want this to end!!!!
despite my wishes, i'm going to keep high restriction before my 2nd covid jab on the 11th, because if the side effects are anything like they were last time i will simply kill myself. so that's about it, you're now up to date on my silly little illness.
754, i think i did okay.
i don't think i'm going to update this daily anymore, considering i record my stats and issues and plans and such in more than enough places that are more accessible to me than this page. if there are any significant developments to my condition, or any long-form thoughts i want to get off my chest, i'll update here. but for now, i just need to allow myself to relax a little bit more.
my intake today was 804kcal. i had the worst evening in a long time, but i still managed to use the last bit of energy i had left for existing to walk it off. i didn't go out obviously because it was dark, so i just paced up and down the exact same stretch of carpet in my room until my daily steps got up to 10,000. it sounds sad and desperate, because it is. i want to die more than anything. the only thing keeping me here, ironically enough, is my ED. right now, i am alive purely because i'm waiting to reach my ugw and see poppy in january. i don't care about living beyond that. i'd just like that fleeting feeling of satisfaction, and a little something to make me smile and reminisce on something i loved for the past 5 years. then, i need to die.
if i had to, i wouldn't mind dying right now, in all honesty. i nearly asked someone if they knew how i could get my hands on a gun, or if they had access to any themselves, but i would probably have gotten them into serious trouble. one of the reasons i want to die is so i can stop being an active problem for other people, so i'm not going to be stupid about this. i really don't why i keep carrying on when i have a suicidal breakdown every week or two, and achieve nothing inbetween. it's pathetic and embarrassing. side note, i've kept punching myself in the womb repeatedly for the past couple of days in case i got pregnant. i doubt i have, but there are a few things making me worry. if i find out i am, that's extra fuel for a suicide, i guess.
i am in a constant cycle of being very disciplined, then sabotaging. over and over again. the lowest weight i have weighed myself at is 95.4lbs, but i've been up to like 97.8 just from binging. if i create a habit out of binging, i am simply going to die. fuck that shit.
anyway, those thin slices of ham are the safest food for me at the minute.
i left the group i was in a few days ago, because it felt a little bit soul-sucking. there was no sense of community. i was logging my intake and steps and weight there every day, and it was just being ignored. i felt like i was putting in all that effort just to be met with a fucking brick wall. i've learned that the effort should always be for msyelf. it's exhausting, but i don't have much of a choice anyway, because my brain won't let me stop worrying about it. i literally shit out all the binge i described in my last post anyway, and got back down to 95.4 immediately after. lol. i weigh myself every sunday morning, but might try and sneak it in daily when possible, just to stop me from developing any bad habits.
however, today is the first day i've decided i'm not counting calories, just to allow myself to breathe a little bit. it's just for one day, though. i could never do it for longer than that. i ate quite a lot last night and this morning compared to my usual intake, but i don't think i'll gain anything, because i've used up so much fucking energy the past couple of days starting uni that i've been on the verge of collapsing every night. regardless, since a very timely catastrophe just happened in the past hour or so, my appetite has tanked, and i will probably end up doing mid-to-low-res for a while without really having to try. my daily intake has usually been around 900 to 1100 since i've been absent from this page, which is good at stopping me from binging, even if it means my progress is slower; i'd rather my progress be slow than non-existent. it might speed up for a little bit anyway.
i'm supposed to be going out to a pub tonight with a bunch of silly lefty activists from my university, and i'm not sure how i'm going to manage that, seeing as i am now incredibly suicidal again due to the events so far today. i will anyway, because that juxtaposition is fucking hilarious to me. everyone is going to be getting pissed laughing and yelling about how much they hate landlords or whatever, and i'm going to be sat there, dazed and detached, trying to make small talk without letting any of the deafening intrusive thoughts slip out.
what a day to be me.
my personal life is tense as shit again, so you have no idea how joyful it was for me to weigh myself today. i hit a new LW (94.4) and started shaking with sheer excitement. i am not healthy! but at least it gave me a good mood. it also means i am still losing 1lb every 2 weeks with high res, which is fucking amazing. additionally, i don't have anything to do for uni today, and now i'm about to listen to poppy's new album. my stars have aligned in time for that, it seems. all is right in the world. sort of. i'm still upset about my friend, but i can ignore that for today. fuck yeah baby