[poppy - never find my place]
merry christmas/blessed yuletide to all who endure it.
my absence from updating here has mainly been because i haven't often felt like i was in a dark enough place, where i wanted to keep facilitating my misery. i only really come here when i'm depressed or frustrated or upset or scared. i've been avoiding writing here because i associate it with such thoughts. in the new year, i will archive this page and start a clean journal yet again. i still want to put my raw, honest feelings down, but i'd rather not continue being surrounded by so much baggage that was etched here in the past. i still don't feel perfect, but i have a desire to be happy. i just miss (you) a lot, but you already know that. see (you) soon.
nevermind. ich verbrachte heute wie jeden anderen tag; erschrocken und weinen.
[KMFDM - split]
i've generally been having a good time. i've seen my 2 (two) existing friends a bunch. although, when the buzz dies down and i've been talking my face off for hours, i feel like i've hit a brick wall and i get exhausted. and when i'm home, it's like i'm permanently just in waiting mode until i'm out again. i don't know how common this is, but when i'm alone in my room at home, it feels like my existence is on pause. if i have no contact with anyone else, it can start to feel like i just don't really exist. i don't know. i'm rambling for the sake of keeping this habit of writing. i did apply for part-time jobs, very small hours because i've learned i'm a stupid baby who can't withstand very much. if i get anywhere with any of them, i'll be very surprised.
on an unrelated note, it's kind of funny how many people know who i am on here now. there are five lucky individuals out there who can further contextualise my weirdness (not counting the IRL, who no longer has a neocite).-----------------------------------
(you) still read this sometimes, right? not that it matters. i just tell you everything i want to tell you personally. i'm happy we have some kind of regularity right now, even if the possible fragility of it makes me anxious. i'm calm tonight. i just hope that one day you overcome your many dependencies, but i've been hoping that for over a year. nothing much ever changes in that regard. maybe i'm not in a position to judge; sometimes i feel like my life revolves around waiting for my next fix of affection from you, since i avoid it so intently at home (with reason, but alas). at least that doesn't wear my body down, though. i really want to help you, but i know well by now that you can only sort those things if you seriously want to. so, for now, i'll just be good for you.
[KMFDM - son of a gun]
online attention makes me feel dumb as hell (besides neocities - all of you are suprisingly based).
almost every little comment and reply i receive on [CHINESE DANCING APP] does nothing for me. there's a 1 in 1000 chance anyone says anything smart, insightful, interesting or funny. it's the same recycled waste over and over again, because everyone's afraid of standing out and stepping out of line. i only stay on certain platforms for a select few people, who i either look up to or am friends with. i couldn't care less that some of my dumbass short videos keep passing above the average amount of views; it's exhausting to make them sometimes, and the better-quality content that i put far more time and effort and love into goes nowhere in comparison. i'm very much in the mood of gathering all my followers together, flipping them all off and deactivating. call me childish, i don't really mind. it's better than being reminded that every breath i take brings me closer to the time when i'm inevitably forced into being a responsible adult, which i will never feel ready for.
it blows my mind that i was just a regular, functioning human only 3 weeks ago. i was a failure, but i was still living some kind of a life. i'm beyond fucking ashamed of myself. not that it's my fault - i applied for a whole bunch of jobs and i've received nothing back. or maybe that is my fault, there must be something about me that lets employers realise that i'm useless. god. all i have felt for the past few weeks is shame. i had to quit university because i couldn't even complete the bare minimum being asked of me, despite all the support i was getting. and now, i'm being rejected from the most basic entry-level job positions. i'm fucked. how do i know that the uni course i chose for next year is going to be any different? what if i can't handle it and i drop out again? i can't keep doing this.
i have to keep reminding myself that i have never EVER been able to achieve anything independently. my parents helped me with half of the coursework i did at college. i wouldn't have done anywhere near as well in my school exams if they didn't push me to the point where they traumatised me, and that's not something i will ever be willing to go through again. people keep praising me for what i've completed in the past in sorry attempts to give me hope, but that doesn't help. they don't know that it was barely me who pulled together that work they're praising. if i were ever to be left alone in my life, i would be in a complete fucking mess. i am incapable of any independence. i've never had it, not even in the aspects where people are supposed to have it from a very young age. i'm at a complete dead end, and i don't think it's remotely possible for me to get out.
i feel an intense amount of guilt for ever being born. there are millions of people my age out there who are capable of so much more than me, but their living conditions are terrible. why couldn't it be them in my position? i have lived very comfortably, and had far more than enough space and financial support my whole life, but i all i have ever been is a burden on people: financially, emotionally, physically, any other way you can think of. i have only ever taken up space and robbed people of their money and time and energy. i have nothing to offer that could ever justify my disgustingly privileged existence. i feel disgusting that i've allowed myself to let my life continue for so long, despite knowing all of what i've just described in the back of my head for years. even if i end up finding some sort of a pathway to life, i'd still need to be dependant on at least one other person until i die. i know this because i couldn't manage the most basic level of independence when it was expected of me, and i had to resort to essentially cheating it, so i think that concludes that it's fucking impossible. i'm directly contributing to the problems of everyone around me just by existing, and they get no reward for it. i'm not even able to make anyone happy or remotely entertained. in social settings, i've always been the first to be discarded. if i died within the next few minutes, people would feel the initial shock and grief that comes with every death, but once that clears away, they'd realise they wouldn't have lost anything. i'm completely disposable to everyone i know, and i always have been. with my continued existence, people have nothing to gain, and everything to lose.
i can't go on. for everyone's sake, i need to disappear.
[margo guryan - why do i cry]
eine weitere nacht ohne schlaf.
mein leben ist total leer. ich will weinen. ich kann nicht mehr. vergiss alles. etwas du willst oder brauchst? weil ich mit mir fertig bin.
ich will nur zu einem besseren leben aufwachen.
i've done everything i thought i could. i changed my name online. i dropped out. i organised an easier career path for myself. i let myself relax, surrounded by things i like. i even got to see him a few times. why do things still feel so hopeless?
everything i do in the day feels just as unstimulating and monotonous as a few weeks ago. i interact with the public online and get bombarded with interactions back, but it feels like i'm not there. no matter what i do to feel like myself, it's like my soul is spectating someone else's life. please, don't tell me that this is how it's going to be from now on.
my body clock is in complete disarray. i woke up at 11PM. hopfeully, if i stay awake, i can collapse in the early evening and have it fixed.
i miss the feeling of finding something new that makes me feel warm and hyper-alive, that i can get lost in. this hasn't happened in months.
there's no food left in the house.
i'll attempt to translate these writings into german, to feel like i'm doing something of use. i've lost control of my eating, so there's nothing left to really prove i am capable of anything now.
i can't really do it. my skills aren't there yet.
i was supposed to see a counsellor from my university tomorrow. i'm not sure if i'd still be allowed. i'm scared about how it would make me look if i cancelled it last minute, though. someone could have used the time that i stole away.
reading my old entries makes me want to hit myself in the face repeatedly. i really thought uni was just going to work out and i'd be able to do it with no problems. i really thought i wasn't a fucking imbecile. i hate myself more than words can describe.
[MSI - what do they know?]
well... drum roll, please. okay. i'm dropping out of uni and applying to start a different course next year. kek. i wish i knew what i was really suited to and what i really wanted sooner, but all i can do now is just move forward with it. i have learned over the past few weeks that i fucking hate academia and i felt so incapable, like the work was staring at me in disgust and calling me a 'tard repeatedly. i really wanted to do it, i tried every day, but i was constantly faced with failure and it made me the most miserable i have ever been at times. it really stings when you have genuine interest in something, but you're still incapable of the bare minimum being asked of you. i've never been more disheartened in any form of education i've been under before; i can't believe i used to complain about sixth form. anyway, i am already feeling much better due to the intense weight of my uni work being lifted off my shoulders. in the time i have before i resume my studies, i can start being creative again, and i'll probably volunteer at a charity shop or find some part-time work or something. i'll have a far more positive experience than the ongoing dumpster fire i've been burning inside of since september. the course i've chosen to start in just under a years' time is more vocational and geared towards one certain career path, which is something i've been afraid of previously, but i think i'll be comfy with it and i just need to work that way due to how i am. the academicness (new word just dropped) of the course i was on meant that i could've kept my prospects broad, but it made me want to pluck out my eyeballs. cheers to new beginnings. i hibernate away from this site again, until the random date in the near future where i feel like i have something to say. i really love how i operate here.
P.S. things are going in a positive direction with our old friend.
[bad religion - do what you want]
i don't really feel the need personally to be writing here right now, but i thought i should just to indicate that things have changed from my previous entry. he is still here, and things are nice for today. if i keep doing the positive things i have been doing, regardless of where he ends up being in my life, things should improve a lot from how they were. the root problem of most of what has gone wrong is that i get too agitated and i don't wait for myself to calm down when angered. i can quickly make a habit of meditating or doing whatever i need to do before i act shittily out of rage. anything else that arises should be subsequently easy to manage. i just want things to be nice and stable at this point in my personal life, since i already go through enough hell at university. i'm getting counselling in a few days (supposed to be yesterday but i fucked up my sleep and missed it), i think it will help ease things further. this evening gave me hope, and now hope is all i can feel, and it aches. i never considered how much i missed crying from happiness, among other things, until i was able to do them again.
[the wind outside]
happy halloween, folks. it's hard for me to use the word "happy", due to what seemed to be the final nail in the coffin being hammered yesterday, but i think i have some kind of a direction after sitting and contemplating for a while. i started reading a big fat book about thelema with full concentration (very rare occurrence!). my largest source of stability reached his limit with me, as you know by now, and since what i've read so far has been very good, i suppose the words can act as some kind of ad hoc replacement for as long as the time it will take me to finish. it will never be the same, but it's giving me something of value, and i know i should learn to adapt and live with it if i am to progress in whatever path will land in front of me that i'd want to take. just the first couple of chapters have helped me accept that his true will is to be free of me; i have continuously gotten in the way of that, and i sink deeper into regret and guilt the more i reflect upon it. he means a lot to me and has done a lot for me at the expense of many aspects of his life, so i should respect his will, and i shouldn't override it with my own.
i believe that just taking a good look at my entire current situation and reassessing it all with this simpler framework means that i panic less. it's true that i routinely hate university, and it has already brought me to my wits' end a couple of times just thinking about the stress that has barely even begun. however, i recognise it as a necessary step to carry out my own Great Work and give myself a strong enough basis to find a path that truly feels right. my perception of what is "right" for me has for too long been polluted by external influences, from the perceptions of others and the broader dogmas of society. if i'm careful and clever enough, i can do what i fucking want. a lot of my crises come from the fact that i don't know what i want yet, and my anxieties about time potentially running out. i need to ditch the latter, meditate a bit, and just work towards "the goal" - what i am calling my goal right now, because i don't know what it is yet. i keep forgetting that that's okay, since i'm 18 fucking years old.
the ridiculous shifts in tone between my entries has probably had my small handful of readers questioning my sanity for a while. i have always feared things opening up like this, but now i've had it forced upon me, this change will be interesting to work with for a while. so i think i'm stable. i could be having a manic episode at 1AM, but if IAO131 has the ability to bring that about just from a couple of chapters, then i must have had some kind of spirituality in me all along. even if it's just a honeymoon phase, it's a well-needed one that came just at the right time. i may dedicate a page to thelema when i'm more knowledgeable; there is a lot to unpack, and i do want to express exactly why i resonate with it so much, in a place more formal than this mess of a diary. TL;DR after a sharp wave of excruciating mental destruction and grief, i'm feeling slightly more optimistic.
love is the law, love under will.
i should allow myself to breathe. i just have to wait.
[slint - washer]
the worst part is the memories being just memories, growing distant and losing clarity. every second, i feel like i'm separated further apart from myself, because my self was left behind months ago. i cannot stand looking at the dates of photos from when i was still there and at my happiest, as those dates stretch further and further away. i wasn't fully together, but i was getting there, and i was happy. i can't even imagine that now. i will probably be stuck in the past forever. it's only a prison if i want to escape. i don't. i feel like the progression of time is forcing me to escape against my will. the sooner i die, the closer i shall remain to the time where my will begs me to stay. i should get it over with now.
i'm surprised that i've held out today. i've cried a lot, even injured myself a little bit, but i've managed to keep myself distracted and overstimulated so i'm not left alone with my thoughts. i even managed to get someone to come and talk with me. i told them almost everything. i had to disconnect from myself entirely to do so - it just felt like i was telling a story - but even then, it was tough, and i couldn't contain my emotions fully. i haven't yet processed that this is just my life now. if i'm to stay around, i have to deal with it, and that's not an option. i'm only writing this as another distraction. i think every single day has to be full of me distracting myself now, because as soon as i really think about what has just happened and the state i am left in now, that will be it for me. it may seem like i've already lost it from my recent writings, but THAT is when i will truly lose it. that's when i'm going to go. i'm doomed. i'm never going to be the same, and i don't want to continue in that case. i will hold out for a while, in desperate hope for any little sign of a return to normal; i doubt anything will, but in any case it will be a test to see how long i can maintain this detachment from myself, and how busy i can keep myself before i collapse. i really thought i was finally finding things that would keep me interested in any kind of life, but having the most important and longest-standing one disappear into a void of hatred and violent threats in a blink of an eye made me realise everything else meant nothing. i have never felt worse than i do today, i can say that very confidently. just based on the way that it all happened, it highlighted everything i hate about what i've become. i made the single most important person to me hate everything about me. he knows how vulnerable i am, but i've tired him out so much and been so painful that he can't even care anymore. he knows exactly what he has done to me through his actions today, and he doesn't give a single shit. he knows that he can just completely erase me from his life and then come back to a supportive and understanding family, a loving relationship, and a large network of friends. he also knows that i come back to nothing at all, except a life of inescapable mental torture. he knows. and he doesn't care. i don't blame him, though. i basically had to beg him every day to get any kind of attention, which does not create a good atmosphere. this seems to happen with everyone i have ever been close with. i think something higher than me decided years ago that i'm not worthy of any emotional support or reassurance or being understood or having any lasting bond with anyone. i was created to suffer, then ruin everyone i touch, then suffer more because of it. i don't hate him. maybe i should based on how he has treated me, but i can't hate him. i just hate myself, more than any words can describe. i can't sit comfortably or sleep or just take a second to breathe, because i can't face living when i think about this any further. i can't.
the months disappear.
i've thrown up a couple of times. my heart is pounding so fast and hard that it physically hurts a bit. my breathing is all fucked and my vision is spinning to the point where i can't really walk. i don't think i'm going to die, though. a running theme with me is that i can't seem to do anything right. it's beyond embarrassing. regardless, this experience made me realise that i don't want this website to be exposed right before/after my death, like i planned. i'd rather it stay with just the few who read it, for as long as it takes to get exposed naturally, as things do. i suppose i'm not gone today, but it won't be long. a year, maximum. there's no point in waiting anymore. it is only going to get worse. anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves because they have no idea what my situation is. you're going to have to trust me on this. i'm not sure if i'll update here again, in case it's a matter of days or weeks, but you'll find out. i'm tired of looking at this screen and using my last brain cells to articulate how terrible i feel. the neocities admins and state surveillance are probably tired of it too. peace will come soon.
[lareine - metamorphose]
my brain is fucking useless nowadays. i can't do anything anymore. it doesn't make any sense. i'm back to binging on food again, and you would think all the extra energy would allow me to think better, but i still can't do ANYTHING and i want to cry about it but i can't even do that anymore. i've exhausted that. i'm generally just exhausted all the time. i can't enjoy life, either. i had a really nice time with a couple of friends last night, including our old favourite who i've mentioned here a lot, and i was buzzing the whole time, but when i came home i just felt empty, realising that that's as good as it's going to get. i'm possibly running out of time with him for reasons i shouldn't mention, and the resulting overwhelming fear and panic it brings me kind of overtakes any good feeling i have. i also felt very fucking disgusting about eating. if i spend too long restricting, i lose control, and completely dissociate whilst doing so. when i got home, i spent a good amount of time just staring in complete horror at my body. i still can't stop eating, though, and i can't look at myself properly and allow myself to process it at the moment, without crying and shrivelling up in insecurity. i'm not sure if it was even happiness i felt last night, it all feels fuzzy and like i wasn't really there most of the time. i am completely sober, before anyone concludes otherwise. there were short times where i was definitely very happy, when i was alone with him and he made me feel safe when i felt overwhelmed. i remember those times vividly, but everything else is completely jumbled in my head. i'm crying now. i don't know what's wrong with me. i think i just miss being so close to him, more than i admit to myself. i don't want to, i want to be fine with how things are, but i can't force that. every time i try and make me and my friends laugh is a distraction from how lonely and empty i feel, and how i'm basically destined for failing my degree. there is nothing happening right now that can make me feel okay. i feel like i'm lost again, but i can't escape this time. i don't know if i can stand it any longer.
[malice mizer - sadness]
it's all very hectic. every few hours, i have to choose which stressful thing to focus on. it won't be this bad forever, but it's hard to adjust to this amount of shit going on, when i didn't really do any form of anything from may to 4 weeks ago. it's probably going to be like this for my entire life now. i actually have to live. fuck. there are only so many soft toys and second-hand japanese clothes i can buy to get through this.
i don't know what to say anymore. i don't have the will to write down how i feel, because nothing changes. you've probably noticed i barely update here anymore. i'm forcing myself to right now, regardless.
i don't understand anything going on with me anymore. my head feels like it's trapped in a cloud and i just can't make out what is happening before my eyes, and i couldn't tell you what i've been doing the past few days because i don't remember. i used to always be able to figure out how i'm feeling and why i feel that way, but i seem to have lost that ability and i fucking hate it more than anything. i haven't had the capacity to think and talk and do basic tasks as well as i remember being able to, and it's really distressing to think about. i think my brain is finally giving up.
i hate everything i'm doing right now. every moment i am awake, i am either reminded of my loneliness, or i'm in intense emotional pain due to being at university or talking to him. i don't understand a single thing i'm being taught and it's only my first week, so i've decided i'm just going to give up and wait until someone notices. the only reason i'm even doing a degree is because i needed one for what i wanted to do as a job, but i no longer want to do that job, so i have nothing to motivate myself to carry on struggling. even with my life plan thrown out of the window, i would have him to keep me sane and calm me down, but he hates me, and he makes me feel like shit, which makes me want to hate him. i have nothing. i am nothing. i enjoy nothing. i want nothing.
as a side note, you might have noticed i deleted my ED page and the food page. it's still a big issue, bigger than it was last time i updated there. i just have other ways of documenting it and trying to deal with it, that aren't as difficult to manage as a massive HTML doc. the increasing uselessness of my brain probably has a lot to do with depriving myself, but it's the only thing i'm good at anymore, so i don't want to stop. i don't care. i give up.
i sit on a lot of thoughts and i always wish to put them here, but everything is so tiring lately and i always forget. so i have just been focusing on feeling stable and trying to message my friends instead. i don't really have the will to even write here about how things have been going, or just do any proper task at all, so fuck knows how i'm going to start my uni courses on monday. but i've got to do it, so i guess i will. i'm travelling across the country for a tea party this weekend, so maybe that will help me pick myself up.
i'm 4 days into university, although i don't start actual studying until the 4th. i was feeling rather hopeless on the first day; most people seemed to have made friends through accomodation and what have you, and i'm still stuck at home with a 1-hour commute using two buses. i certainly met people after that, but i still felt lonely due to how little i related to them. about 24 hours ago, i was still at an afterparty for a meetup of lefties and anarchists. it was kind of boring. for the most part, i just told people my name and what i was studying, and they did the same back to me. i'm still glad i went, it was good to deviate from the same old solo night in and be reminded that i exist to other people in the world. i stuck with one girl most of the night and slept over at her place. we got a hell of a lot deeper in conversation comparatively, and had a fair amount of stuff in common. however, i'm not going to reveal my opinion of her yet, as the more i think about everything, the worse she becomes in my mind. i'll get back to that topic after i sleep on it, i think. today i have been very anxious and agitatable, probably due to stress from people. at this point i think i actually want to just start doing work, so i'm not expected to try and befriend tons of people whom i feel no connection to.
[cocteau twins & harold budd - sea, swallow me]
i'm always going to be severely deprived of something. no matter what i do, no matter what happens, no matter how desirable to others my life could end up seeming. i'm always going to feel empty at the end of the day, when i crawl under my duvet and abandon everything i put in the way to distract myself from that fact. to allow myself to finally breathe, i have to face up to this horrible emptiness, which is why i often don't. i don't know if i will ever escape this feeling for good. i think i just need to keep fighting against it forever, but i don't have the strength. i have never had enough strength for anything life has thrown at me. i don't know if it's my fault, or my parents' fault, or the world's. there are so many places and people i could try and attach blame to, so i don't bother.
i don't know why anyone pretends to have hope for me. it's not helpful in the slightest. it just lets me sink further and further into self-loathing, self-destruction, and my parasitic burdening of everyone around me.