[lareine - metamorphose]
my brain is fucking useless nowadays. i can't do anything anymore. it doesn't make any sense. i'm back to binging on food again, and you would think all the extra energy would allow me to think better, but i still can't do ANYTHING and i want to cry about it but i can't even do that anymore. i've exhausted that. i'm generally just exhausted all the time. i can't enjoy life, either. i had a really nice time with a couple of friends last night, including our old favourite who i've mentioned here a lot, and i was buzzing the whole time, but when i came home i just felt empty, realising that that's as good as it's going to get. i'm possibly running out of time with him for reasons i shouldn't mention, and the resulting overwhelming fear and panic it brings me kind of overtakes any good feeling i have. i also felt very fucking disgusting about eating. if i spend too long restricting, i lose control, and completely dissociate whilst doing so. when i got home, i spent a good amount of time just staring in complete horror at my body. i still can't stop eating, though, and i can't look at myself properly and allow myself to process it at the moment, without crying and shrivelling up in insecurity. i'm not sure if it was even happiness i felt last night, it all feels fuzzy and like i wasn't really there most of the time. i am completely sober, before anyone concludes otherwise. there were short times where i was definitely very happy, when i was alone with him and he made me feel safe when i felt overwhelmed. i remember those times vividly, but everything else is completely jumbled in my head. i'm crying now. i don't know what's wrong with me. i think i just miss being so close to him, more than i admit to myself. i don't want to, i want to be fine with how things are, but i can't force that. every time i try and make me and my friends laugh is a distraction from how lonely and empty i feel, and how i'm basically destined for failing my degree. there is nothing happening right now that can make me feel okay. i feel like i'm lost again, but i can't escape this time. i don't know if i can stand it any longer.
[malice mizer - sadness]
it's all very hectic. every few hours, i have to choose which stressful thing to focus on. it won't be this bad forever, but it's hard to adjust to this amount of shit going on, when i didn't really do any form of anything from may to 4 weeks ago. it's probably going to be like this for my entire life now. i actually have to live. fuck. there are only so many soft toys and second-hand japanese clothes i can buy to get through this.
i don't know what to say anymore. i don't have the will to write down how i feel, because nothing changes. you've probably noticed i barely update here anymore. i'm forcing myself to right now, regardless.
i don't understand anything going on with me anymore. my head feels like it's trapped in a cloud and i just can't make out what is happening before my eyes, and i couldn't tell you what i've been doing the past few days because i don't remember. i used to always be able to figure out how i'm feeling and why i feel that way, but i seem to have lost that ability and i fucking hate it more than anything. i haven't had the capacity to think and talk and do basic tasks as well as i remember being able to, and it's really distressing to think about. i think my brain is finally giving up.
i hate everything i'm doing right now. every moment i am awake, i am either reminded of my loneliness, or i'm in intense emotional pain due to being at university or talking to him. i don't understand a single thing i'm being taught and it's only my first week, so i've decided i'm just going to give up and wait until someone notices. the only reason i'm even doing a degree is because i needed one for what i wanted to do as a job, but i no longer want to do that job, so i have nothing to motivate myself to carry on struggling. even with my life plan thrown out of the window, i would have him to keep me sane and calm me down, but he hates me, and he makes me feel like shit, which makes me want to hate him. i have nothing. i am nothing. i enjoy nothing. i want nothing.
as a side note, you might have noticed i deleted my ED page and the food page. it's still a big issue, bigger than it was last time i updated there. i just have other ways of documenting it and trying to deal with it, that aren't as difficult to manage as a massive HTML doc. the increasing uselessness of my brain probably has a lot to do with depriving myself, but it's the only thing i'm good at anymore, so i don't want to stop. i don't care. i give up.
i sit on a lot of thoughts and i always wish to put them here, but everything is so tiring lately and i always forget. so i have just been focusing on feeling stable and trying to message my friends instead. i don't really have the will to even write here about how things have been going, or just do any proper task at all, so fuck knows how i'm going to start my uni courses on monday. but i've got to do it, so i guess i will. i'm travelling across the country for a tea party this weekend, so maybe that will help me pick myself up.
i'm 4 days into university, although i don't start actual studying until the 4th. i was feeling rather hopeless on the first day; most people seemed to have made friends through accomodation and what have you, and i'm still stuck at home with a 1-hour commute using two buses. i certainly met people after that, but i still felt lonely due to how little i related to them. about 24 hours ago, i was still at an afterparty for a meetup of lefties and anarchists. it was kind of boring. for the most part, i just told people my name and what i was studying, and they did the same back to me. i'm still glad i went, it was good to deviate from the same old solo night in and be reminded that i exist to other people in the world. i stuck with one girl most of the night and slept over at her place. we got a hell of a lot deeper in conversation comparatively, and had a fair amount of stuff in common. however, i'm not going to reveal my opinion of her yet, as the more i think about everything, the worse she becomes in my mind. i'll get back to that topic after i sleep on it, i think. today i have been very anxious and agitatable, probably due to stress from people. at this point i think i actually want to just start doing work, so i'm not expected to try and befriend tons of people whom i feel no connection to.
[cocteau twins & harold budd - sea, swallow me]
i'm always going to be severely deprived of something. no matter what i do, no matter what happens, no matter how desirable to others my life could end up seeming. i'm always going to feel empty at the end of the day, when i crawl under my duvet and abandon everything i put in the way to distract myself from that fact. to allow myself to finally breathe, i have to face up to this horrible emptiness, which is why i often don't. i don't know if i will ever escape this feeling for good. i think i just need to keep fighting against it forever, but i don't have the strength. i have never had enough strength for anything life has thrown at me. i don't know if it's my fault, or my parents' fault, or the world's. there are so many places and people i could try and attach blame to, so i don't bother.
i don't know why anyone pretends to have hope for me. it's not helpful in the slightest. it just lets me sink further and further into self-loathing, self-destruction, and my parasitic burdening of everyone around me.