[malice mizer - gardenia]
i have neglected the ol' neocite for quite a while. my mind has been very busy with preparing for uni and trying to maintain some kind of fitness; it's left me too tired to do things like this a lot of the time. usually, in place of writing here, i've just tried to keep myself relaxed and vaguely sane, by messaging people i care about and trying to entertain myself. once i'm settled into my silly little student life, i may update my pages more often. it'll be easier for me to access, since i'll be using my laptop a lot more. this could open up the floodgates for larger quantities of mediocre text walls again, so i apologise in advance if that ends up being the case.
i don't really have a plan for socialising at university. i'm not sure if i want to, considering the bratty accents i heard the one time i visited the campus. i "start" in 2 days. i managed to get a couple of names and social media accounts in a stupid online meeting call yesterday evening, but it felt so manufactured and awkward that i doubt i will follow up. i think it'll be easier to spot the choice phenotypes in-person.
i took a look at some of my course's content for the year, and my conclusion is that i am definitely able to do it. however, i just know i'm going to be annoyed by it all the time. i looked at some past exam papers, and they expect you to answer very profound and specific questions in 30-minute essays, even though it would take about 2 hours to actually answer with any substance or value. it honestly feels dumbed down from my college work - or maybe just on-par, but i'm annoyed by it all right now, so it feels worse. i guess it's just to prove you listened in lectures, but i still hate it. i'm never going to feel like i am enough, and that's probably by design. all the chinese kids that go to this school likely got that exact attitude instilled in them by their parents, so the staff are trying to make things more familiar as those students gain their independence. i understand.
i like to have my moments where i rage at things that i have to deal with, then i look for a reason for those things being the way they are to calm me down. even if it's not the real reason, it helps me get on with shit and get the results i need. i would rather live in ignorance if i was wrong - at least until it's over and done with.
most of my entries on this page in the past have been mental health-related, but i haven't really given myself time to dwell on those things much lately. maybe the themes i journal about will change as i move to a new stage in my life. maybe they won't. i don't know or care. i'm just going to write what i feel like writing, as i always do. since my 4 months of NEET life are now drawing to a close, i think i will archive this page and create an empty one, starting on my first official day of university. if i drop out, this is going to look like a circus parade, but i'm okay with that.
[doves - darker]
in case anyone was wondering how i am doing, i'm better than i was in my last update, although i suppose the bar is on the floor in that case. still, calm. annoyed by my lack of ability to feel positive emotions when i am not around him, but it's okay. i've been trying to keep myself occupied for the past week or so, and it's been nice. he has also been very nice. seeing him yesterday felt like a milder version of a soldier returning home from 'nam.
i've been going out for long walks, and i'm privileged to have very pretty forest areas around my house. a decent trade-off for living an annoying distance from the city. i've also been clearing out my room and preparing to change quite a bit of it, which i think will help me a lot mentally. i haven't painted the walls since i was 12 and it very much shows, and a lot of tat has accumulated here over years, so we'll be fixing that. i've been keeping up with learning german, too. i don't remember if i mentioned that before on this site or not, but i learned german at school from the ages of 11 to 14. i regret not continuing, but i have been trying to pick it up again for the past couple of months or so, and i think i'm actually making progress. so that feels good. i've been researching more into cool places in my country i can travel to; i used to consistently hate trips out when i was younger, but i think i would like it now, since i'm sick of being confined to my house most of the time. plus, i have a mighty need to take coord photos outside cathedrals.
i'm supposed to be getting my second vaccine dose in the evening - still worried that i'm going to get horrendous side effects again, but i'll do it anyway. i don't have too much to lose, and i probably won't be as bad this time. whatever happens, i will probably lose weight again and also have an excuse to relax right before i start uni. i really don't know how uni is going to work out, since i still haven't brought myself to properly read the book i was told to read before starting my course. i'm still going to press myself through the degree, because i still think the course i chose is the least worst for me, and my plans for being an archivist and shit will be what gets me through.
this is the longest entry i have written in a while; i think i prefer this format of occasional text walls, rather than the daily depression i used to do. it feels more purposeful, i don't know. i miss when blogs were more popular...
i want to be sick. i give up.
i want to cry. well, i am crying, but i want to cry for a very long time. i don't know if he will be able to read this anymore for a while. i guess i'll find out. i don't think i can really say anything about what's going on without it being dangerous. i don't really know what's happening myself, and i can only guess. i'll update here more frequently again in the hopes that he can still check here, anyway. i'm just very, very scared. luckily, an old friend has come back into my life within the past week or so, so i'm not totally alone for this, but i'm still very scared. i've lost my main source of comfort and hope, i don't know if it's going to be temporary or permanent, i don't know how long it's going to last, and i don't really know how i'm going to cope.
[michael kofron - when i thought i could not]
i'm on my own
you are with me
sat in my head
i have read so many bad things
after all, no sense in trying not to sin
i let you into my heart
when i thought i could not.
my head is constantly physically and literally spinning, and i have no one i am comfortable with showing my vulnerabilities to anymore. i'm a lot more forgetful than i used to be, and my executive dysfunction is worsening. i'm a ticking time bomb. i have several things lined up that i should be looking forward to, but i just feel empty about them and i really don't care whether they happen or not. i haven't felt joy or pride or lust or anything but terrible feelings in weeks.
[poppy - flux]
i've been listening to a fuckton of different music lately, so i should probably update my music page. i do feel slightly more present because of it, but still not enough. the most interesting my life gets right now is when i have the most pointless little conversations with people online who i do not know or care enough about, or when i roam around town looking for random things by myself. i am really starting to get tired. there never used to be these roadblocks in the way of what i enjoy, but they're probably here to stay. i hate it.
why didn't i fucking kill myself i had the perfect plan and opportunity just fucking kill me someone please now i dont want to be a fucking loser praying to die in my sleep every single night again kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me
[slint - washer]
the only reason i kept updating this website was for you, really. it was the only time where someone close has been continuously interested in what i do. it was the last spark of happiness i ever felt. therefore, i won't be updating this shit anymore. truthfully, i came to town today with the intent of killing myself, so seeing you was the motivation i needed to actually do it. i'm not waiting until i come home and publish my folder of things i never fnished, because every single time i've put a little roadblock like that in the way, i never end up doing it, and i extended my suffering a few more years.
the above entry is slightly embarrassing considering i got home, but i'm not deleting it for the sake of preservation. i did some needed damage, but i'm weak enough to stay around for a few more happy conversations and amazon orders. i don't think i'll last much longer, but i'll try and enjoy my time regardless. i'm tired of being awake and being stuck with myself.
[hole - asking for it]
my whole life is made up of constant loops. every little occurrence is a repetition, an indication of a cycle refreshing itself. i'm just sort of being present for it, even if it doesn't feel like i'm present anywhere. i feel detached from matter and time itself at this point.
[kyary pamyupamyu - ponponpon]
it's strange to finally have things ready and organised for the next stage. i got better college results than i thought, so i went through adjustment for a better university with a course i prefer. i'm going to hate a lot of the people and some of the things they'll make me write, but otherwise i think i'll enjoy it. also, if i stay to do a master's, i can study in the US or canada for my third year. i could just fuck off, never get on the return flight and disappear off the face of society. it's tempting.
[jack off jill - strawberry gashes]
every breath i take is a reminder of how much i hate what i've become, and how i will be completely alone very soon because of it. i can't stay here, but if i go anywhere else, it will be the same. it's me who is the problem. hopefully, it won't be long now until my body consumes itself.
[pet shop boys - always on my mind]
i was too worn and preoccupied to update for a while, but now things are very monotonous and mundane again, so i can relay whatever i care about relaying.
yesterday i went to town again to find this one shop, only to be told by the owner himself (who was about to leave) that it was actually closing down. he let me look around and buy a couple of things, and i had a genuine fuckin heart to heart with him for about half an hour about business woes, his strange touring musician career and religion. it was basically an exclusive tour. guy is solid, and the location was a great one too. i'd struggle to part with it if i was him. it was full of crazy shit, including a preserved dead mouse foetus (he got it from russia) that my ass nearly actually bought. other highlights were teletubbies modified to have two heads and seppuku wounds, and him trying to show me an 80s synth keyboard, but a bdsm paddle fell out. i might go back for the foetus tomorrow, since it shuts permanently on saturday... anywho, that experience really felt like it was out of a film and i'm probably never going to get anything like that again. still trying to wrap my head around it. there are still interesting people out there i guess - they're just not my age, and they have questionable financial management. i got a necklace and a mini living dead doll, in case you were curious.
[daylight come and me wanna go home aaayyyyo]
yes, you read that right. i am feeling alright. this feeling could last a day, or an hour, or half an hour, or 10 minutes. i'm just baffled by life right now. i don't really know what to say, or if i even want to say anything. just know that at this very minute, things are... alright. for now. i really can't predict what will happen or how things are going to go. i'm just here, despite everything.
[KMFDM - godlike (live from the USSA)]
instead of writing about my day, i decided to record it. watch the outcome here. the audio sounds strange with headphones, but i don't know how to stop that. sorry.
i hope this month is better.
[the offspring - vultures]
neocities user torture got her nostril pierced. she didn't think it would be today, but it was. they don't regret it, but they do regret choosing a black stud. they wanted a silver, but thought the black stud would be safer. really, she would have been fine, but now she has a black dot-looking thing on her nose for at least 6 weeks. it's bearable.
enough of third person, it's not funny anymore. i have been in town twice this week, purely because there's nothing else to do, and it's better for my body than lying in bed all day. i should probably look up some events and try and meet people, but it's not very motivating honestly. if someone isn't immediately insufferable, they're almost always insufferable in a month or so. that, or they think the same about me. i think i'll wait until university, so i have an excuse to be mostly alone but still be getting the basic face-to-face socialising i need in on a daily basis.
[katatonia - i am nothing]
i compiled all the music, videos, art and whatever else i never released into a folder for when it happens. it doesn't look like things are going to get any better soon. i don't want to think about what's expected of me for the future. i can't even fulfill what i expect for myself. i don't want to torture myself or anyone else anymore. this is it.
often times, i feel like i ruined his mental health long term. i damaged a relationship that really matters to him. i guess it's his fault too, but nothing would have happened without me. i am useless to everyone, and all i do is destroy people and hurt everyone and everything around me. i never give them anything beneficial. nothing to justify my existence, and many many reasons to be against it. i am literally just here, wasting oxygen, contributing nothing but extra suffering in this world. i wish my fucking parents never made me. maybe i shouldn't recover after all. when i starve to death, people will be sad for a bit, until they realise how much better off they are now without me.
[aimee mann - red vines]
his health is in a bad way. i wish i could be by his side to help him, although i feel like i don't help since he worries about me so much. i feel eternally guilty. my mother and brother both have some kind of bad illness too, and i don't want to catch it. everyone's sick. it really feels like my fault. i think i need to disappear for everyone's benefit.
hm. i'm not really bothered by anything anymore. i'm neither here, nor there. i was singing earlier, & i recorded it and was going to post, but i have too many doubts. also it might give away my identity lol. i have been compiling images and editing them together to wind myself down for the day. it's nice...
[bad religion - my poor friend me]
i need to work out how to sleep easier so i can disconnect from this world longer. let me live in my dreams.
i don't really know what's going on anymore. everything is always up in the air. nothing is ever solid. it's like the universe won't allow me to have anything stable, and i always have to be in constant fear of losing all the things i have to live for. however, things are certainly a lot better than they were before today. i should probably at least try and recover for him. i've fallen a bit too deep, but it's possible.
[boa - duvet]
nothing earth-shattering to report. it was a normal day. i went shopping with my mother to find a few new foods to eat, and to make clear to her what i don't want anymore. also, there was a group of 3 emo kids in an aisle that kept looking at me. not even the new-agey-tiktok-sensitive-ass-pissbaby emos, they looked like the ones i remembered seeing in 2013-15, and they were probably shoplifting. glad to know they're still around. when we left the supermarket, they were waiting outside for me. there were two girls and a boy - the boy walked up to me and said the girls wanted to be my friends. i asked them how old they were, he said 14, i basically said "fuck no i'm 18", and then he ran off. a good experience.
[malice mizer - au revoir]
i look in the mirror and i don't recognise myself anymore. the person staring back looks older, more weathered and ghostly. i'm glad all my emotions have been drained, but now it's hard to stop myself from falling deeper into recklessness. i want to say i feel free, but i really don't. i haven't been able to smile for days. soon enough, i'll find a peaceful place to take my life. the voicemail is my last sanctuary, and i think i'll stay there for now.
i need human connection quite a lot. as much as i hate it, i do need it. turns out frivolous spending and obsessive calorie counting is not a replacement. i do have people interacting with me on social media, but they're so boring that they might as well have never said anything at all, so as not to waste my time. if i could punch through my screen, everyone would be bruised - except one. the only human that i enjoy my time with is very selective over when he doesn't hate talking to me and is nice enough to unblock me on one platform, and i feel far too intimidated to try right now. nothing i say will be right or good. i feel like every breath i take is a burden on him.
[mises institute lectures]
now everything is up in flames and i have no one to connect with, nothing keeping me going, no hope, and nothing stopping me from my darkest desires, a nasty old habit has been reborn. yup, that's me. i'm relapsing. if you don't want to read anything ED-related because it triggers you or for any other reason, i may keep a separate page for updates on that. i'll also do it just for the sake of keeping the words of this page diverse and interesting - starvebrain makes me very, very boring to those who aren't also sick. i will never write anything here that could trigger the thoughts in anyone else, because i believe people should have control over that and only see such things when seeking them out. i suspect i'll be in recovery eventually, even if i'm laughing at myself when typing that out, so don't fret. i'm just not ready right now. i get pinned down and force-fed after a few weeks anyway. i really can't achieve anything without some cunt in the way, who won't listen to me when i say that i know myself better.
[usually i use this part for songs but i haven't listened to music properly for days. sorry for the lack of updates, i got terribly sick.]
he does not love me. at this point, he probably doesn't even like me. i literally only ever existed as a hypewoman and a sexual outlet for his manic episodes. when he's in a relatively normal state of mind, he can't stand me. i really am that bad, and i hate that my life has come to that, but it's my fault for being insufferable. i even annoy myself. i helped drive the person i love most to suicidal ideation. no longer do i need to wonder why i've always been lonely, because i'm clearly just inherently a pest who leaves everything around it worse than before. every time i thought i finally fixed myself over the years, i just developed a new fatal flaw, like a genetic disease. i'm embarrassed and i'm ashamed. i don't want to be close to anyone ever again, because the cycle is just going to loop for my entire life and i will have no one to share a long and meaningful history with. i can't replace him, and i don't want to. not even on the level of friendship. people like him usually do not exist for hundreds of miles, and even those "people like him" aren't really much like him at all. every single tiny detail matters. even if he has treated me objectively badly, i know he's mentally ill and can't help it. it'd be hypocritical of me to be angry, and even if i didn't think about hypocrisy i still wouldn't be angry. fuck people who get angry and cut off people who clearly need help. if you've been friends with someone for a long time, you can tell when they're not in their rational state of mind by how they talk and text and behave. that was a tangent, but i like to prove that i am more of a person than just a directionless and deeply depressed nightmare.
[T.S.O.L. - silent scream]
all of my happiness is up in the air again, and it's my fault for being a paranoid and emotional piece of work. it doesn't help that the heatwave reduces my ability to think properly. the waccine wiped me out for a full day too, it gave me a terrible fever and i couldn't tell when it had gone because it was so hot here. still is. at least every time i have my outbursts, i'm more aware of how they happen, and it'll be easier to deal with them in the future without hurting others. this website is the result of what happens when people need therapy but they're in the UK.
i'm not scared of losing you, but i'm scared of losing my sanity.
[that one ministry cover of bob dylan whatever it's called]
there isn't much to say. i'm having the time of my life at the moment. i finally had him over at my house rather than his, and i just came back from my first dose of the covid juice (not dead yet). my progression in life is pretty stagnant but it's ok, as far as i'm concerned i'm having my honeymoon right now lmao. i think i'm actually looking forward to university now after all, since i haven't been closely in tune with any political stuff for a lot of months. it'll be a fresh of breath air. once again, life good :]
[bad religion - infected]
my life is getting more interesting now i guess. i'll be going out more often, i might be able to get work in a month or so, he broke up with his girlfriend and is basically dating me full time now as a result (is it self-centred to be relieved by that? he seems healthier as a result though, as he is no longer with two partners lmao). i had a nice day. i bought my burny smelly sticks, then got the bus to his place and we made fun of american history x, then did other things but i'm not writing erotica so i won't specify. i still have no idea what my future is going to consist of, but i don't really care as long as i retain my happiness in other places. i always feel like i have to do things for someone else to properly motivate me, and i've got that now. life cool!
also, there was this really based baby in a pram on the bus that played peek-a-boo with me using his blanket. the absolute glee on his face was unforgettable. he was transfixed on my water bottle too, i could tell he was trying to work out how i was twisting the cap on and off. babies and toddlers are adorable when they're not screaming and crying
[KMFDM - apathy]
i never intended to reach 18 years on planet earth, but today we made it. i didn't really plan further than this so i guess i'll just see what happens as a result. lmfao.
ironically, i get sudden bursts where i am absolutely terrified of death. i'm in the middle of one of those right now, so i probably won't get any sleep. birthday is off to a great start.
i was gifted a nintendo switch lite which was completely out of left field, apparently it came with a really good phone deal so that is pretty based. i'm not much of a gamer, but it's a very welcome addition. my brother bought me animal crossing so i can finally see what the fuck the hype is about.
[my computer fan]
i know you're reading this, and i know you're struggling with approaching me. you don't need to. nothing has really changed. my mood took another nosedive and i'm feeling a bit empty, but my opinion of you has remained the same since i first got to know you. i still love you just as much as i always have. i just get paranoid and scared, that's all. you understand why, but i understand that you have to do these things you do sometimes. it's all okay, really. i'm getting better at staying calm, i think. it's something i'm focusing on - i know it'll help me a lot. we can keep things calm and just continue as normal. i would have just messaged you everything i'm wiritng now, but i feel like communicating this way is less overwhelming and stressful for you. maybe it is for me as well. i hope we can talk or see each other again soon. it's my birthday tomorrow, so company would mean a lot... just saying 👉👈
i don't think i will ever know happiness.
please let me die in my sleep. i can't take this anymore.
my uncle visited and gave me a necklace and a pair of earrings. this is one of the very rare times i have been given jewellery and actually liked it, so i'm happy about that. the necklace pendant is an axe shape with a celtic-looking pattern engraved, and there's a deep purple stone in the middle. the earrings are circular studs with the same purple stone.
today was depressingly calm. it should have felt more pleasant and relaxing, but most days are exactly the same as this. they blur into each other, to the point where i can't tell them apart in retrospective. i am permanently bored. i still haven't spoken to M yet, i don't think i'm ready for that today. my mood has gone from one extremity to the other. i have literally gone from cutting myself to wanting to fuck a clone of me in the space of a few hours. my existence is a fucking joke. i think i need to settle down before i resume any meaningful communication. i looked at videos i took of us at college that were on an SD card, and it was bittersweet; he's clearly camera-shy, which is adorable, but i also feel like i was probably being a nuisance with the camera. i had to end today's entry on something lighter because, well, you know.
[T.S.O.L. - die for me]
first of all, i want you to stop reading this for a minute and do stretches cause it's fun and makes you feel nice. i just did some and i feel a lot less like i'm on the verge of death now, so that's cool.
however, speaking in that realm, i'm not really optimistic at all. i'm on the cusp of my 18th birthday, and it just feels like i've pissed away my entire life so far, when i was meant to be free and happy. i had a lonely childhood, a fucking miserable adolescence, and once i enter adulthood i'm not going to have enough time to rectify that. i have plenty of people i could blame and possibly wreak vengeance on, but it's likely better for me to just devote my energy into trying to make a better life for myself. however, i am cautious that all of that energy could amount to nothing and be equally as wasteful of my time. i'm already positive that my life has a 99% chance of failing, so i just try and get my happiness from sources that aren't tied to my success. that's what i've always done anyway, because i have never enjoyed a single thing when stress has been attached to it. i used to want to be an artist, but GCSE art somehow managed to single-handedly suck all of the enjoyment i had out of it, and now i haven't gained any skill in art since i was 14 years old. and the only reason i enjoyed college was because i could see M lmao. the rest of college was boring at best, unbearable at worst.
this is unrelated but i thought it'd be funny to share - earlier this afternoon, i was just pretending in my head that i was on some joe rogany type podcast arguing about how black markets are better for everyone involved than a legalised trade, especially regarding recreational drugs. and then i started thinking about how conservatives (especially older ones) are hypocrites for calling out cancel culture, since it's been prevalent for centuries, but they didn't care when they had the stronghold in society. the only difference is that they 'cancelled' things and people for being blasphemous instead of 'problematic'. i'm sure many people have made that conclusion before, but i'm just letting you all know i'm still here and still based.
[slackcircus - fabulous secret powers]
the worst thing to come out of 2020 was those tiktok gremlin kids who self describe as "alternative", their entire personality is the result of AIs and algorithms. it's embarrassing to watch even from the distance i am at, and honestly terrifying when thinking about the conditions of their existence more deeply. i do not want to see another ill-fitting plaid skirt from amazon in my life. no more straight girls deciding they're a bisexual she/they overnight because they think it's a replacement for being interesting. and if one more motherfucker claims they have "trauma" because their mummy shouted at them to do the laundry one time, i will just lose it and show them what it's really like.
holy fucking shit. male
i had a pretty easy day yesterday. i spent most of it lazing around on youtube, and i also watched more based tennis. i spent the evening finally looking after myself, in preparation for my haircut in the afternoon. i timed how long it takes for me to put all my makeup on - 27 minutes. in the final hour of the day, i sat in my summerhouse whilst listening to the 💥☠💣🍥👊 CD i bought not long ago. and now i'm in bed burning white sage incense, feeling genuinely relaxed enough to sleep. this rarely happens at a decent time, but here we are. i can't wait to dream again.
oh my god i am so TIRED. i had an eventful day, but as much as i've longed for that type of a day in this journal before, i forgot how much it takes out of me. i've pretty much been nearly falling alseep in bed the whole time since i got back home. i got my haircut, a sisters of mercy shirt, and a book containing everything edgar allen poe ever wrote, which was great! all it cost was some money and, apparently, all my fucking energy. i haven't been this drained since my longest days of college. i wish i could write something more interesting or poetic right now but i am too fucking tired honestly. zzzzzz
[poppy - her]
i think i'm going to start updating this whenever i feel like it instead of having one bit of writing a day, so i don't have to use Shitter anymore.
i had a few weird dreams. the only thing i remember was that i had a job at mcdonald's with my brother (naturally), and i scooped up a dead rat outside with my cap and chucked it in the bin. maybe i was still thinking about the dead rat i saw outside M's house 3 days ago (image attached for your pleasure). ← don't look at that if you don't want to see a picture of a dead rat, obviously.
i realise i do an awful lot of moping on here, and not much counter-action. as a based little man once said, "if you want your life to change you gotta stop feeling so sorry for yourself". so i'm going to try and force myself into more activity and SeLf CaRe shit (i.e. eating properly, better hygeine, leaving my goddamn house - you know, the basics).
[not music this time, i'm watching based tennis]
i wish there was more to say. it's the same old. i keep meaning to go places but my sleep is fucked, and i don't have the willpower to change it. i'm barely looking after myself and i'm getting stomach pains from eating badly. i want to learn how to cook properly, but i just know i'll get burnt out on it like i do with everything. i'm in a terrible cycle where i don't do things because i want to keep precious time to myself, then when i give myself all that time, i do fuck all with it. i'm literally just half-asleep, either sat down or lying in bed, all day every day. i'm sick of it.
update 1hr later: ok my mood slightly improved because the cute british girl my age won the tennis game, we love that.
[neutral milk hotel - the king of carrot flowers]
it's kind of fucking comical how quickly i can go from being dead-set on suicide to crying tears of joy, just by existing in the same space as him (hello). the same problems are still here, but i guess it just takes those precious interactions to be able to manage myself and feel comfortable with carrying on. i have no idea when this is going to end, but it's bound to at some point, and i have no idea what i'm going to do. hopefully by then, i will be more occupied with stuff, meaning i can distract myself from the pain. or maybe my situation will be entirely different. i can never seem to predict my life, and it's tiring existing in a state like that.
no matter what happens, no matter what i do, no matter what anyone else does, i will always have to live with the fact that i am secondary to someone else. that my suffering does not matter compared to someone else. that my entire life would be an expense to hold onto someone else. that i will never, ever be good enough. that all the months he spent with me, he will just completely regret and dismiss in the long run. that i never really existed at all, and the only time in my life where i was truly happy will fade until i can't even keep a memory of it. i used to drive myself mad wondering what the hell was so special about that someone else, but i realise that's the wrong question to ask. at the end of the day, i am just fucking inferior and i don't matter, because i know there is nothing special about that someone. i really am just that bad. there are only so many times he can apologise and pretend everything is fine again. i think i've reached my limit. i can't stand it anymore. i already couldn't stand life. i now have nothing at all that i can stand, and i just need to accept that i'm clearly not worth anything compared to other people. i am a fucking insufferable burden to everyone who knows me. i have not benefitted anyone in any way - never have, never will. i have exclusively caused pain and stress and conflict just from existing, and there is only one way i can put a stop to that. i am fucking horrible. i regret ever hesitating in my attempts and never going far enough. i'm so fucking stupid. i really am useless to this world. i don't belong in it.
[malice mizer - beast of blood]
i feel healthier today than i did the last few days, at least. i had a really annoying mouth ulcer that was nearly fully exposed on my lip. usually they're easier to deal with because they appear inside my mouth, but oh well, it doesn't really hurt anymore. i've also been drinking more water, and i actually went out yesterday. i spent so much time just texting people that i barely processed it, though. i wish i had other people that were willing to hang out, because M is not available all the time, and i suppose there's only so much he can take. i was just roaming around and i ate food by myself. not very eventful, but i did want to save money, and i only went out because i was desperate for a change of scenery. despite me feeling better physically, i still feel like i barely exist anymore. every day just kind of passes by, and i feel like i'm just getting time deleted from my life. depending on my mood, that's either scary or a blessing.
[jack off jill - fear of dying]
i honestly don't think i will ever get around to filling in a physical journal again until i move out of here, because every time i've kept one, my mother reads everything. she even fishes through my bin and takes out the pages and reads them. i once screwed up a shitton of pages into the tiniest balls and put them in the bottom of my bin. a day or two later, i found them unravelled and shoved in the side of a shelf. and she wonders why i hate talking to her so much. just to top it all off, she stalks every deep crevice of my social media presence too. i don't even have a minute of privacy in my life, except for this website, since my name is not attached to it. i'll bet you she still finds a way to get in, and i hope she figures it out honestly. she would LOVE reading this and watching her entire perception of me just shatter. she thinks i'm a fucking 12-year-old with special needs, and will infantilise me at any opportunity she gets in attempt to justify her treatment of me. any time i subtly call her out for anything like that, she tells me it's "normal", as if i am not in contact with hundreds of peers who tell me the opposite is true.
she is incredibly fucking toxic and, in my opinion, too mentally fucked to even have raised me. i don't like to think about it too much because it just makes me want to fucking die. there's only so many times she can use the excuse that she is "looking out for me", because if that were true she wouldn't be one of the main reasons i hate my life and occasionally want out of it. i am honestly just waiting for her cancer to get her, or for me to make enough money where i can move away from her. if that never happens, then i will genuinely lose my fucking mind permanently. i don't care if her intentions are good, because the harm she has caused me is excruciating and will last for my entire life. she never admits to anything until it's far too late, and then she continues to hurt me some other way. she just can't help herself. i cannot wait until she's engulfed in the flames of hell, since she's ironically a "christian" (literally has never gone to church except for weddings and funerals in my lifetime, and probably her entire adult life) so she should be quite afraid of that, but she has literally no self-awareness.
there's a fuckton more to our relationship that i haven't said here yet, and i repress most of the events so it takes me a while to remember, but i will definitely write more about it in the future. it's a massive and unavoidable part of my life. it's true that she has done and still does a hell of a lot for me, but i feel very fucking uncomfortable thanking her, because nothing will ever excuse all of the atrocities caused by her delusions and her fucked-up brain with no sense of rationality, that i have been forced to conform to for my entire life. she has ruined every close friendship i have had, and if she DARES to try and interfere with me and you-know-who, i will genuinely lose all control and all empathy.
i woke late in the morning from a dream, where i was in what was meant to be my college building, but it was empty and a lot more spacious. i ascended a grey-white block of stairs and found my infant school teacher sat down on a plastic chair, that was like what is found in classrooms, but relatively taller. i just stared at her and she smiled at me, and i started uncontrollably crying before i woke up. it felt like the true ending to my education.
i was meant to go out today, but i fell back asleep after turning off my alarm. i could have gotten ready as soon as i woke up the second time, but i laid to rot in bed a little bit more. i don't know if i have time anymore. i can't seem to do anything. a lot of the time when i wake up, i don't eat or drink for hours. my body doesn't even feel like it needs to. maybe it wants to get sick.
apparently my mother needs to hear this, because she's been doing this for years: screaming at me and slamming cabinets with rage so i can hear it from my room does not make me want to do things more.
i love you so much, it scares me.
[cubanate - oxyacetylene]
my sleep is so strange lately, and every day is just exactly the same. nothing feels quite real anymore. i barely remember what day it is, and i'm having a lot of trouble taking basic care of myself. my dreams are a lot more exciting to live inside than reality. i used to have an idea of my future, but nothing feels quite right now, and i'm running out of time to decide. in a few months, i'm going to enter a very long and costly journey of entering professional adulthood, and i'm dreading it. it's not right for me, and i'm going to hate it. that's how i feel about every choice available to me, though. i think i'm just going to rot. if it wasn't for (you), i think i would already be rotting.
[poppy - sick of the sun]
i miss winter.
it's fair to say i have serious mental health issues that need to be resolved. i had a very dramatic breakdown and tried to overdose, just based on being told that i am like my mother. i still think that was a rational response, because the pain and damage she has caused me is unforgivable and can only be stopped by death. maybe i'm deluded.
other than that, things have been pretty good.
[KMFDM - stray bullet]
everything is a bit chaotic again. i feel like if i say or do the wrong things, everything could shatter. this usually happens for a week or two, then it calms back down again and everyone's happy, so i'm not too concerned. i want to go into town tomorrow and do a little bit of self-sabotage shopping.
P.S. happy birthday to the man, the myth, the legend: KAPT'N K!!! or it was, but it's 1am now.
[mars argo - nothing without you]
as you witnessed, i got overwhelmed with emotion and couldn't tell you how i felt in an understandable way. now, i can explain what happened.
when you laid on top of me, staring into my eyes and singing the song to me, it was like the entire year-and-a-half of our history was being displayed, front and centre, in my brain. you saw that i was starting to tear up, and hugged me until the song was over, continuing to whisper the words in my ear. i didn't know why i was crying (i usually don't, i'm just weirdly sensitive to crying). what i did know, in that moment, if i wasn't already sure, is that i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i love you. you know that, i tell you all the time, but i mean it more than ever. you turned my continuing existence into something i look forward to, rather than something i dreaded. you saved me, in many ways. i can finally say that i am happy. every time i have to walk out your door and leave you, i feel a bit empty, because i know where i belong.
of course i know things are a bit of a mess, and our circumstances are taboo. i know how impossible it is to make decisions in your situation. i know you love your time with me just as much as i do, but you have more to your life than me. i don't know what is going to happen, and i know you don't either. i'm always going to stay, so it's in your hands. i sleep alone tonight and miss you, just like every night.
[boards of canada - turquoise hexagon sun]
it is true that every moment could be the last, so i try to treat every moment as such. i've known for a long time, but the happiness i get is immeasurable and i wouldn't give it up for the world. even so, i know it's only a matter of time before i'm alone and joyless. he keeps telling me i will find someone else, but i don't have an interest in doing so at all. i never had an interest until he came into my life, and i don't really enjoy the company of others, so i just accepted my fate. no one seems to understand this, no matter how many times i explain it. i just try to fully appreciate what i have now, while i have it. it's beautiful, and the best thing i have ever had happen to me.
in other news, i started painting home decor things. it's fun and makes me feel productive.
copypaste from notes app // i really wish mental health was talked about in an educational setting (not the school system, because that would be fucking antithetical) in a broader, more abstract way. i don't believe anything in life is necessarily good or bad, and it's very closed minded to think like that. we have painted poor mental health as an evil that needs to be stripped away from people and eradicated, when this isn't the way to go at all. depression, anxiety and psychosis are all parts of life and experienced to different severities and qualities for each affected individual. these are all mechanisms that can result in many different outcomes. anxiety, psychosis and depression could all potentially save your life - anxiety and depression especially are survival mechanisms from days of old.
maybe these mechanisms aren't built to be useful in modern times, with industrialisation and the interconnected systems we face on the day to day. maybe that's why they're taught to us from a young age to be problems we need to deal with, whether that's through medication, religion, therapy etc... it's a shame we live in a world of one-size-fits-all solutions and labels. you're convinced that a certain brain pattern you have is something that needs to be fixed, regardless of what it is actually doing to you. maybe the labelling of a feeling or experience as something negative is the reason why it even turns negative in the first place. it's much easier to ignore a problem that doesn't yet exist.
I've been on holiday since Saturday (it's now Tuesday for the illiterate), but haven't really felt like it. It's a seaside town that we made a tradition of visiting every couple of years. I begged them not to go, because I wanted time to myself alone, but I'm getting a lot of that anyway, so I'm glad that it doesn't feel like it. The home we are staying in is a lot better than the one we went in last time, anyway. The only downside is that I'm being overfed and subjected to their horrible opinions, which I'm sure they purposely do to wind me up and make me feel like shit. I never truly have a break.
My solace has been talking to the friend mentioned in the last entry, who I also saw a couple of times before the holiday venture. It turns out he wanted to make an effort after all, which continues to make me incredibly happy. I never thought I could feel like that, and I don't know where I would be without him. That maintenance of interaction, coupled with the prospect of meeting a friend I've known online for over 5 years, has kept me sane. Also, the weather has been good and I have my own bathroom.
Very unrelated side-note, but I think my voice is getting deeper? Sometimes I open my mouth to speak and a deeper voice is coming out, which is shocking in the best way. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm waking up later (my sleep is fucked again which is just brilliant), because I just checked my voice now and it sounds like it usually does. But those moments where it goes low just feel very good and very right. I don't consider myself trans - I don't want my physical appearance to change, but man do I crave the androgynous voice.
Yesterday was emotional. 20 months of college flew by without me really noticing, and it all just fizzled out permanently yesterday. I'm never going to see a lot of people again - not that it matters, because I didn't have actual friends. Lots of people knew me, but no one thought I was worthy of keeping actual contact with. I was one of those people that just got waved at, and that was all. They could probably smell the autism and it put them off. I don't blame them, and I suppose I saved myself a lot of trouble by being somewhat of a NPC. So the 'community' wasn't what got to me; what did was handing in my lanyard at reception, where the receptionist lady with the smoker voice said "I'll miss you". I was confused for a second, because I didn't recall ever talking to her properly. Then I remembered the several times when I broke down in the building and asked her to find my tutor, whilst I sat sobbing my eyes out. I had to quickly run out before anyone saw me tear up again. Very fitting that my absolute last moments of college were spent being triggered. I don't know what makes me cry so easily, but it's actually very annoying and embarrassing. Sometimes I don't even want to, or even know why I cry. My mother has the same issue, which makes it even worse, because I wish I could sever off everything that connects me to her.
Anyway, the REAL reason I was so emotionally overwhelmed was because after that, I got the bus to my best friend's house. I know I said I didn't have actual friends, which was a little bit of a lie. My best times at college were spent with him, and he was the only thing that really motivated me to carry on there. I was either alone, or I was with him, and we eventually became known as a duo (I only have confirmation of this from one person though, so that information may be unreliable). I always treated every day I spent with him like the last, because nothing was ever solid or promised - I suppose that's part of what kept us feeling so free and comfortable. Yesterday may have actually been the last time that I see him for months, since he basically works 3 different jobs, and is going to be away doing courses and *immigrant things*. No college means there are far less excuses to see me. If he has any free time, he will probably just spend it on his girlfriend. So I'm going to be feeling quite lonely for a long time. I have other people I could talk to, but it's absolutely not the same. All I can really do right now is cry it out and pretend I'm hugging him, whilst I imagine him telling me all the nice things that he has told me over the past couple of weeks. I'm going to miss him more than anything I've ever missed, and he might not even be gone forever, so hopefully that has built up a picture for you of how much he means to me. One day in the near future, he'll check back here and read this and laugh, which makes me happy anyway. He takes a genuine interest in me and what I do, which is never something I've had with anyone I know in real life. I am very very lucky and grateful to have someone like him in my life, even if we're restricted to text form for however long it will be.
[minor threat - in my eyes]
My brother says horrible and blatantly false shit about non-binary identity, and I don't have the energy or strength to hear it anymore. However, I also don't want to keep trying to explain it because he never listens, and will turn it into an argument like he does with everything. For example, the other day, he read a headline that he probably made up: "[artist name I forgot] is scared he's going to get Demi Lovato's pronouns wrong - he doesn't know whether to say 'hello they' or 'hello them'". What the fuck??? That literally doesn't even make sense - you don't say "hello she" when you greet someone??? And after that, he vented a little bit about his total oversights (or intentional judgements) about people who use they/them pronouns (which includes me). He just wanted an excuse to rag on non-binary people out of nowhere for no fucking reason at all, and when he said "they use they/them" or something like that, my mother did that very distinct sigh she does when she doesn't like something. So that made me feel just brilliant and at-home. To make things worse, my mother stalks all my public social media (and I have a badge on my college lanyard that says they/them), so she has probably seen that I use those pronouns, and maybe my brother has too. So it's very possible that they're basically subtly trying to make me feel like shit knowingly. I HATE IT HERE.
Not to mention, talking to my brother about anything serious is like watching a fucking cringe compilation. He treats me like I'm some random nobody and like what I'm saying is not my own thoughts, and he talks like a dumbass Twitter debater. He's 20 years old, but mentally he's about 15, for many other reasons beyond this that may crop up later. I suppose that's not his fault, but my God is it infuriating to live with
[angels of liberty - telepathine]
I purged my old entries a while ago because I thought they were slightly embarrassing, but I will refrain from doing that again (unless they're really that bad). I thought it would be a good time to come back and continue writing on here, since I'm at a pivotal point in my life - I finish school in a week and start university in September. Maybe I will be able to accrue the means to move out this year, but I doubt it will happen so soon. All I know is that it needs to happen as soon as possible.
I've gone on quite the emotional rollercoaster for the past few months, but it's too mundane and painful for me to recite the events right now - especially as it's coming up to 4AM. I may recount some of the things that happened at a later date on here, if they are relevant. I had a lovely day today, anyway. I spent time with M⁎⁎⁎⁎⁎ and it felt more special than usual. It made me very happy, which is a rare feeling these days. I continued the overhaul of my site well into the night, which was very satisfying and made me feel proud of how far I have come with my ability to indulge in egoistic expression. I'm definitely going to have a neat little HTML version of myself lying around after the physical copy rots, which makes me happy.
[bad religion - do what you want]
unmoved by persuasion, pity, or tender feelings; stubborn; unyielding. stubbornly resistant to moral influence; persistently impenitent: an obdurate sinner.