This page documents my thoughts, emotions and activities. Not everything here is 100% serious, as I am venting in a comfortable space. I am not a threat and I do not need help; I, like many others, am just mentally afflicted and socially stunted. Please be respectful. Treat these words the way you would want your own words to be treated.

ARCHIVE

2021; September-December

2021; May-September

20 JAN 2022 - 0202

giddy.

[poppy - don't go outside]

i know this won't last but i don't care. i need to make these memories and keep them safe before it's too late


16 JAN 2022 - 1357

affectionate.

[be quiet and drive far away]


14 JAN 2022 - 0123

sleepy.

Ich möchte auf dich aufpassen, egal wie es sich auf mein Schicksal auswirkt.


09 JAN 2022 - 2347

dull.

[the doors]

was no one going to tell me i kept mislabelling the year dates on my entries as 2021? lol.

i feel like every day just disappears. every single second feels like a waste of time that i will never get back. it's very draining to think about. i've had no excuses to go anywhere for well over a month. besides family, but i would rather be alone. i may just force myself, even though there's nothing i can really do besides take what i already do at home outside. that'd be a nice change of scenery, though. and i'm in desperate need of touching grass, as they say. i'm a little bit deranged at the moment, but not in the usual way that i like to be. this form of derangement is just tiresome.


07 JAN 2022 - 0055

bored.

ich weiß nicht mehr. ich aktualisiere die website jetzt nur für ihn, aber ich glaube es intressiert ihn nicht. soll ich gehen? oder liest du gerne mein elend...


06 JAN 2022 - 0402

everyone i have ever been in contact with irl either actively hates me or just doesn't want to know me. all i have ever been to everyone is a problem, even when i have done nothing wrong. i have only ever been everyone's last choice, the one they would never ever choose otherwise and the one where they make a disappointed sigh before they look to me. i never worked out what it is about me and i don't think i ever will. i think it's just who i am. i am scared of saying or doing anything in public anymore because i feel like the same torture is just going to happen over and over again no matter who it is. i wish i was never born. i don't think anyone would notice if i died except (you), and all (you) would feel is relief.


05 JAN 2022 - 1603

semi-conscious.

[sisters of mercy - walk away]

if i don't win this yahoo japan auction i'm going to commit unspeakable acts. i am absolutely deranged, but i am free.

not much of anything is happening right now. no excuses are landing onto me for leaving home, which is frustrating, but probably for the best, considering if i step foot in any communal area i will almost be guaranteed some kind of illness. even so, i haven't looked at anything thelema-related or practiced anything for weeks. i feel like a little faker. i really don't have enough self-discipline yet. i feel like i'm just waiting on the goddamn auction tbh. i haven't been a very materialistic person historically, but it's not like there's much else to do at the moment. i have been aching for this one OP for years and someone is finally selling one, so even if i'm unsuccessful (not that i will allow that to happen), it's given me adrenaline.


01 JAN 2022 - 0000

[bad religion - supersonic]

i guess i'm still here. exactly one year ago to the minute, i was on the phone with someone who i would then date for a couple of months. i feel bad that i ever did it because after all, i think i was just trying to distract myself from how lost and hurt i was at that time. however, he impregnated some girl like a month after i left, so it doesn't haunt me or anything.

i'm not someone who makes resolutions; if i want to start doing something, then i just do it. i've been working out and using duolingo every day for a long time anyway, so i'm probably envied and feared by all the desperate 'new year new me' wagies. i still try to make a mental note of stuff i want to do, though. i definitely want to go to germany this year, since i was supposed to a month ago but my dad decided in his head that they would close down due to the Coof (i saw people entering and leaving there with no problems in this exact time frame, so thanks bozo). hopefully, i get more out of the future than ED-related health problems and a metric tonne of stress from even thinking about leaving the NEET life again.


29 DEC 2021

1508

it felt natural to put everything into you. even though i was in love, and i still am, i can only blame myself. i will never be me again, but i have spent time like that before, so i can handle it for a while. even if i can't, it's not like i have anything left to lose. i think i understand why you are the way you are now. it's very hard to care about what happens to me when i hate the idea of living another second. i can do so many things to escape, but i know in my heart where i belong. i also know i can't return, so i might as well keep myself sedated. i cannot live in a world where every new minute takes me further away from when we were happy.

1746

hunger comforts me


28 DEC 2021 - 0143

this year went far too quickly. so many beautiful moments just zoomed by, and i never felt like i had the time to take them in and appreciate them enough. i'm losing hope. it's likely i'll never experience anything close to what i did this year again. i am further away from those times with every breath i take.

fuck.