This page documents my thoughts, emotions and activities. Not everything here is 100% serious, as I am venting in a comfortable space. I am not a threat and I do not need help; I, like many others, am just mentally afflicted and socially stunted. Please be respectful. Treat these words the way you would want your own words to be treated.

ARCHIVE

2021; September-December

2021; May-September

23 OCT 2022 - 2330

sleepy

[poppy - cue]

uni is stress but travel is freeing

i feel weird writing here now because of who might be reading it, in case you're wondering why the words are so sparse and few now


13 OCT 2022 - 1631

studious

[priest - beacon of light]

why do they make all the desktop websites look like mobile apps now? it's so ugly and fucks with my head


29 SEP 2022 - 2352

leave me alone. maybe i am being paranoid but i honestly feel scared for my safety a lot of the time because i think you'll do something. please don't. i know you have children to help look after so i am not interested in any kind of revenge against you. i just want to be left alone. please stop.


24 SEP 2022 - 2150

pretty

[black sabbath]

this autumnal equinox, i've been reflecting on how grateful i am for my current position in life as i'm settling nicely, after a long long time of struggling and being around people who were very bad for me. i'm finally starting to enjoy life and i'm feeling like i have a real direction. these past few months have been the absolute best in terms of my inner harvest and i give eternal thanks.

i finished my first week of university, i'm a lot more confident to spend the next few years there than i was before. most of my nerves have been put to bed, and i can tell it's not going to be anything like the nightmare of an experience i had with uni last time i tried it.


16 SEP 2022 - 1559

clean

[alcest]

things are going too well for me to really feel like writing here, but i know some are curious, so i'll update. everything seems to be falling into place. my love basically lives with me at this point, and i start uni in a few days. i don't think i'll drop out this time, but even if i do, i have a couple of plans to choose from. every time i made plans before, i had no confidence in them, because i knew deep down i didn't actually have a will to live. but now i do, so it feels a lot more real and attainable. going forward, i think i'll journal here a lot less, unless i have some hot takes to dish or something nice and/or interesting to share. most of the energy i spend on this website will be towards finally updating and completing other sections. it's a bit embarrassing that the overwhelming majority of content is my journal; i don't think people use the internet to see a woman complaining about her life and ranting about nothing important. oh well. guess i'll go back to observing the national mourning period (for jean-luc godard, of course).


28 AUG 2022 - 0050

if you said the exact same words to me on the phone 4 months ago, i'd be a crying mess & giving into you. today, i can see through every little bullshit lazy attempt at manipulation. when you've done the same exact things every time you've argued with me, it gets a bit predictable. it's reassuring realising how much stronger i've become since i stopped letting you make me feel like shit for empty reasons. it's incredible that any time i give you a chance to speak even one word to me, everything instantly gets worse. i can't keep doing the lefty meme of forgetting history. i'm sorry your life and your brain is a mess, but that doesn't mean you can drag women you once-upon-a-time groomed into tolerating you down with you. i CANNOT talk to you again. i need to write that in red pen somewhere, so i can read it whenever i have a mental break and feel like hurting myself emotionally. if i have to do that, i need to find another way. i can't even write about you here again, because you like the attention, that's what this was all about for you after all.


26 AUG 2022 - 2350

cozy

[rammstein - mein teil]

one of the main reasons we're on neocities is to escape the year 7 playground bullshit of regular social media, so if you bring that here, do not expect a warm welcome from us. the fuck is discourse? all i know is angry forum posts about bush vs gore... that's all

unrelated: the biggest breakdown i've had in months happened last night and i was convinced i was gonna off myself, but i'm doing very well right now by just pretending nothing happened. like that "turn it off" song in the book of mormon. maybe they were onto something. my life is almost perfect right now, but sometimes for some reason it's not enough, and i feel the same despair and apathy to life that's haunted me for nearly a decade, and then i completely self destruct. do i have bipolar? lol fuck


14 AUG 2022 - 0059

zen

[whirr - mumble]

a few nights ago i had a panic attack thinking about death, but all the same reasons i was freaking out about it are now giving me comfort. i was thinking about it in the shower 30 minutes ago and my brain did a 180. i think i'm a lot more mature and enlightened than i've ever been.

i'm not scared of death at all anymore, i wouldn't even mind if it happened right now. that doesn't mean i want to die, there are still plenty of things i would like to do, and i haven't been suicidal or even depressed in quite some time now. i finally truly understand why we say "at peace" - i assumed it was just a religious thing to represent heaven, but actually, death itself is peace. sure, you don't exist anymore, but it's as if you were never born. nothing you did actually mattered, it doesn't matter if you were loved or vehemently hated, it doesn't matter if you left behind anything or not. this is basically my view of heaven, but if i tell people i believe in heaven, they'll think i mean it in the abrahamic sense. i don't think my description of heaven/death (they're the same thing) springs to mind first for most people. i think i'll start spreading it around in hopes it'll catch on. and if it doesn't, it's okay, i'm gonna die and nothing will matter!! i'm not a philosophy person (in the typical sense anyway, like idk or care about what all the famous philosophers say) so this probably isn't breaking new ground at all, but it feels magical to me because i just came to this conclusion on my own.

the best part about my epic realisation is that if you hold this belief strongly, then you stop wasting your time watering yourself down or straying away from your real self for the approval of others. there's no need to engage with people who are only looking to win a fight over you and feed their moral superiority addiction. so many more things i can say. just be yourself everybody, it's more important than ever in an era where you get villified, harrassed and excommunicated for unproblematic things that people pretend are problematic :) let go or get dragged.


01 AUG 2022 - 1250

happy

[still life - a song about love]

the 2 weeks he was here solidified that this is going to happen and i'm going to be alright. i don't need to ragequit university again, because i have actual support and a life to work towards now. a few nights ago, we both kind of broke down in my living room thinking about all the shitty social experiences and mental problems we've had, which are uncannily similar to each other. we cried on each other's shoulders, and he proposed to me afterwards. i knew it was more in a spiritual way than an official one, he told me he'll do it properly in 2 or 3 years. it honestly feels like we propose to each other every time we look in each other's eyes, so it was amazing putting the actual words into the atmosphere. i thought i was never going to find someone perfect (or even anyone at all), but i fucking did. it's been long enough now that i know he can't hurt me like i've been hurt - if anything, i'm just scared that i might hurt him. but i know i want to be there looking out for him forever. i can't believe i didn't realise before that it's not normal for partners to try to disprove and make fun of your identities and religious practices, but now i have someone who actually accepts me fully, so it's better late than never.


04 JUL 2022 - 0416

calm

[rammstein - puppe]

i've been too happy to feel like posting here but i am very bored right now and i napped for too long and i'm awake too early. i feel like there's someone still reading this who i don't want in my life at all, and to him i will say: don't off yourself, look after your family, and i'm blocking your number.

i made this website because i was lonely. i didn't realise it at the time, because loneliness is something i felt constantly my entire life, but now that i don't feel lonely anymore, it's quite obvious. i wanted to share my thoughts and interests and personality and feelings somewhere, but didn't have a person or a place i felt like i could turn to. i have that now, and it's so fucking telling that in my last "relationship", i was still depressed and writing paragraphs here. being in a normal and happy relationship now, it's insane how many things i thought were normal, that really were not. i could give many examples, but there's no point in reliving what i've realised was the main source of my mental health issues. and he doesn't deserve any more of my fucking energy.

to end on a light note, i've been effectively trapped in my room since i got the Coof a week ago, but i wasn't bad with it at all and it's basically gone now, so i'm gonna test today so see if i can breathe around my parents without killing them. also my boyfriend is at my house for 2 weeks soon, then i'm in his country for a few days in september, then the plan is to visit whenever possible until he moves here temporarily for a while, and if (more like when) we marry, i'll stay in his country because fuck england. good morning


23 JUN 2022 - 2138

loving

[lareine - metamorphose]

he visited for a few days and left yesterday. those few days were the best of my fucking life, and it's only the beginning. i feel so, so blessed.


05 JUN 2022 - 0143

liberated

[poppy - say cheese]

i'm finally fucking free. i can't believe it took me so long to realise i needed freeing. i'm pissed at myself for letting so much of my life get corrupted, but i suppose it's not like i could've changed anything at the time. and more importantly, everything is so much better now. fuck. i feel like i should be angry at him, but there's no point. i'm still too happy about how everything turned around. no, i don't sTiLL lOvE hIm, and my apologetics in the last entry make me writhe a little bit. he's a fucking monster, and he'll probably go on and do the same to god knows how many other girls. OK, that does make me angry.


01 JUN 2022 - 1409

happy

[rammstein - keine lust]

the days are pretty boring right now, but i'm not pressed about it; it's the first time i've been stable in so long. 18 days until he visits, and any amount of time seems far away, but it's not even a big deal, because i'm finally being treated the way i'm supposed to be. my last partner was a bad one, i have to admit it now, but i forgive him. it's out of his control. i still really do love him, juuust not like that. we were both unhealthy and breaking down far too often, to the point where any love that was there fractured out of existence. we will continue to be good friends, if he wants. and i think he does, which is making me quite emotional, but for the first time, it's in a good way.

a few days ago, i had a short film i worked on well over a year ago premiere at a cinema, which meant i hung out with people in-person for the first time in months. it was rather embarrassing being aware of how much my social skills deteriorated, but they seemed understanding without me having to say much. i'm thankful for people right now, even though i interact with them so rarely. and that's probably why i am thankful for them, because if i was more social, there'd be shitty people around me kek.

i've also stopped biting my nails, and if you told me that even a month ago i'd be like "fuck off youre lying". i thought i never would, i've bit them for longer than i can remember, but i haven't in just over a month. it's so strange and the symbolism fills me with hope that my life is turning around. 2022 might legitimately be the best year of my life so far. i fell in love, i have exciting things to look forward to, and in autumn i start a uni course i probably won't drop out of this time. i feel like the previous chapter in my life officially ended today, and it was in a happy and positive way, too. this is fucking unheard of for me, and i'm so thankful. i guess it's a reward for breaking myself free from whatever prison was built up in my head. i am so happy.

i started this website to document my depression and melancholy that i thought was lifelong and inescapable, and so it's weird to be here when my life feels much better now. it feels like a lot of the content here has clouds over it, and i don't want those clouds to be there anymore, so i will be changing around a few things slightly. not much, though, and whoever is left reading my shit will like it.


11 MAY 2022 - 0450

ethereal

[andrew w.k. - babalon]

the clouds have finally lifted, and the location of the pure joy my subconscious was begging for was definitely not where i expected, but nothing has been more clear to me now than anything else. my requests for some kind of guide to find my home have apparently been answered. i always thought i'd felt love before, but i think it was always just a mixture of friendly admiration and attachment. no, this is what love feels like. and this is how it was supposed to feel all along... holy shit. nothing is suspiciously hidden or omitted; no fear of judgement; no constant and debilitating fear of abandonment; i'm not just a sex object, but a complex, interesting and irreplacable living creature, a star full of light and life. my death period is over, and i've regenerated with a new sun to my moon. i don't want to let go of the past just yet, since it'll be a while before i meet him in person, but i have to be honest that i know where my heart is right now. i think it'll pass, but i can't be sure. [17/5/22 note: it didn't pass] i'm just so happy right now. i feel like a tree refreshed with water for the first time in like two years.

previously deleted this entry because i thought i was going too heavy but i ended up being right *shrugs and smiles*


03 MAY 2022 - 0028

lonely

[mars argo - angry]

i don't post about when things are going well here anymore; i always know that shortly after the happy days, i'm going to end up being left to be lonely, insecure and anxious for a few weeks until it comes back around. i don't want to keep whoever reads this (including myself) going through the same insane and annoying emotional rollercoaster my life revolves around. i don't really know what else to do about it. i don't want to just let go, because i really do have love deep in my heart that's so intense and precious, it makes it all worth it. maybe i just need a couple of other things to live for and be encouraged by, because it feels like i'm trapped with only one source of comfort and purpose, and it's unreliable for reasons that have surpassed anyone's control.

i think i might restart the daily eating record i kept here in summer/early autumn last year. i'm sick of the lack of control i have right now, it's completely against all my beliefs. it makes me want to scream every time i think about it. i need to take action right now, and the accountability that the record page supplied was very helpful while i had it. i need to do so much better.


14 APR 2022 - 0019

bloated

[paul van dyk - nothing but you]

apologies for neocities neglect. i haven't had much on my mind to write about. i've been happy and comfy with a lot of time to myself, and i'm having a nice time with my one lovely friend. our dynamic is now quite healthy and happy, for as long as he is sober. thinking about it, drugs and alcohol were almost always the catalyst for things going sour. i try to encourage him, because i know it's very difficult for him, but there's only so much i can say or do. it needs to come from him to last, and he needs to maintain mental strength. i hope it'll last. i used to think i cared maybe too much, but i think my care is important, and i am happy to attempt to provide it.

i wish i documented the three days of writing of the book of the law here. it was the first thelemic holiday i've ever properly partook in. instead, i used my actual social media, because i thought it would be better at spreading the word locally. i have never felt more at-home in a spiritual practice. it's like i've been exercising a muscle i was born with, but never realised was there before. on my thelema page (still haven't touched it, sorry), i will add a whole section with facts about the book of the law. it's a really great read, even if you have no idea what's going on yet. i mostly do, but i feel like every time i read it, something new and meaningful gets unlocked in my head.

the only problem now is that i'm tempted to relapse into my old ED ways. there's this feeling infecting me that i've lost control with food (i lowkey have for the past few days), and thinking about how i reverted my months of "progress" from last year (starving myself lolski) makes me uncomfortable. i really want to give in, but i have a stronger want to be healthy. unfortunately, my parents don't know how to buy enough healthy nutritional food, even after 21 years of raising children. i keep telling them and they won't stop. they think recovery is about binging on junk food every day to get me as obese as them. christ. i can't wait until someone fucking hires me so i can move out, i don't even mind if it's just temporary. i just nneeeeed. i'm too tired to round off that sentence properly. i can buy my own food but they insist and it's totally out of my control. fuck my life!!!


25 MAR 2022 - 2346

relaxed

[bad religion]

i don't think i ever said it here, but i've been away from home for a week (or two, i don't remember). my mother had an operation, so my parents were across the country, and they left me in my brother's apartment. the main lesson i've learned being here is that i need to leave my neighbourhood immediately. the obvious reasons are how isolated it is at home, which definitely contributes to my depression. going anywhere is so much of a pain in the ass that i struggle to leave the house at all, whereas in this area, i can actually hear life outside, and i don't have to walk 40 minutes for food. i've been out basically every day, which would be unthinkable to me just a couple of weeks ago. also, even though my parents are mostly reasonable now, the trauma from years past lingers. it makes living in the same place as them irreparably stressful, even when there are no problems, and i've had that every day of my life. my current situation alleviated all my doubts that it wasn't a big deal for my mental health. now i've actually spent time away, it's like, "fuck, this is how it's supposed to be?" because a massive weight that i barely knew and often denied existed was lifted. i'm also starting to think my ""neighbourhood"" has overwhelmingly bad energy as a whole. i went back to my home a couple of times alone (a damn near 2-hour journey with 3 different buses by the way), and the change in mood was so noticeable. there is absolutely something wrong. of course, it's partly the memories associated with it, but i don't think it's a coincidence that 2 residents on my road, THAT I KNOW OF, committed suicide. i need to gtfo.

by the way, i promise i'll start filling out the thelema page in the next few days, in light of the holy season. i've been reading the daily texts, so i'll just transcribe my favourite parts there for now. it's lazy but it's something, and the words are very special to me, so i hope for the time being that readers will find value in them alone.


19 MAR 2022 - 0055

still longing

[tool - third eye]

i used to be so happy that i found someone who understood me, and seemed genuinely happy and comfortable to speak and listen and be around me. i'd never had that before; i've never had it since; i doubt i'll ever have it again. we used to stay up all night talking, and it would be nothing but smiles and laughter. since then, i've been destroyed over and over again. it seems as though every close and meaningful partnership that i've dared to try and develop gets sabotaged, as a strict rule. besides those rare people in the aforementioned category whom i could count on one hand, everyone (and i mean everyone) flat-out rejects me or covertly bullies me on sight. i have never understood why, or what it is about me, but it's all i know. if this is punishment for something, someone please tell me what the fuck i did wrong so i can apologise. i would do anything at all make it stop. i'd cut myself open and eat dog shit from the ground. just make it stop, i can't take it anymore.


17 MAR 2022 - 2218

longing

[slint - washer]

gonna spend the next few weeks trying to distract myself from the crippling despair, reading, googling stuff about stockholm syndrome, etc. i would like to work on my thelema page a little bit, now that i feel like i have a better grasp on it.


16 MAR 2022 - 0300-ish

it's amazing how all the illusions i subconsciously put up for myself, of caring about living a life beyond him, can crash down so quickly. as soon as i get a little bit of time with him, i remember my heart will always be there and it won't budge. my love overtakes and destroys everything else. i thought it would calm down, but it's been years, and it just burns even more fiercely. i want more than anything to devote my entire life to him. i basically already have automatically for years, but he hates it. the only person i love knows i'm nothing but a problem, i always have been and i always will be. every breath i take is so fucking emotionally draining, because it reminds me i'm still alive, and i am ruining him just by continuing to exist. why did i bother kidding myself that i wanted any kind of future, or that i improved myself, for any reason other than hoping i could be happy with him forever? i know now that he hates the idea of even staying around me in any way. he won't say it outright but i know it's true. i think i've heard everything i needed to hear, and i know for sure that the only way i can alleviate this pain for us both is when i die. i'm doing it this time. no more of this, and no more backing down. i thought to myself often that everyone i know failed me, but really i have been nothing but a source of pain, stress and needless difficulty. they were right to fail me. thanks to everyone who read my website, even if you couldn't help. i didn't want you to anyway. this situation was never something that could have been helped in any other way. i kept stopping myself, instead of just listening to what everything above, beyond and inside of me has been begging for me to do since i was a child. we are finally going to be happy again.


11 MAR 2022 - 2315

no one wants me alive anymore. no one wants to be reminded i exist. literally everyone is gone. even i am disgusted at everything about myself. i might as well do us all a favour.


07 MAR 2022 - 1705

"i am happy to be hurt more in whatever way it happens, because i do deserve it." -- this page, 21 february 2022.

i really shouldn't have said that. i suppose i couldn't have predicted what happened, but i have never been so angry in my life. fucking pathetic. he thinks he can just play games with me without any repercussions. this time, it traumatised not only me but a few other people, and left a couple of us sleepless and fearing the absolute worst with no comfort to be found. all because he chooses not to communicate like a normal fucking person.

i really thought this would be the final blow to any feelings i had towards him, but to my horror, i still really miss him. he knows how to get me worried about him, anyway. fuck my life. i spent the whole night doting over every picture of him i could find, feeling actual intense grief far worse than when any of my family members died. i even stalked a bunch of social media profiles of his family members, because i was absolutely certain this was a disaster. i cried thinking about what they would have ended up going through, because i had every reason to believe in what he presented as truth. my face burned with tears over every little thing, even childhood photos he would find very embarrassing. a mutual friend of ours planned to write to his member of parliament. i was going to send his family flowers and stand in the streets (which i probably will anyway, considering the horrific shit happening in my country and the continent right now). he orchestrated this entire thing, which he will deny, but the minute he lied, he let everything else fall into place.

i've calmed down but i still feel incredibly dejected. i'm being vague about what exactly happened, but it's the type of thing that lingers for a very long time, even when it's all over and revealed to be a fluke. but the main other feeling i have alongside that is an extreme desperation for him, that i've been repressing for god knows how long now. i am convinced that he could take my house away and murder everyone who cares about me, and i would just want to hug him forever. what the fuck. i don't think there is anyone else on the earth who could have this effect on me. i just wish he cared about that, and stopped creating these horrible situations for the both of us. but of course, as usual, it's only horrible for me. he'll just get on with his life with maybe some mild feelings of guilt, as he always does; i'll be left isolated, suffering with the memories of everything i endured, as i always am.

i wish moving on was possible. i'm really trying. i have a much better person with me now, at least morally speaking, but it's like my brain is constantly teasing me and causing myself these living nightmares. not only does it seem like i'll never escape him, i also don't feel like i want to at all. i'm aching more than anything in the world for the ability to go at least just a couple of months into the past, even knowing i couldn't have changed anything since he was responsible for all the mess. i wish i knew why i'm like this, and i wish i knew how to make it stop.


04 MAR 2022 - 1912

gefangen.

[bones - sodium]

Selbstbeherrschung fühlt sich an wie ein hoffnungsloser Traum. Es ist jetzt so weit weg von meiner Realität.

Ich kann niemanden oder irgendetwas finden, das mich anleitet. Alle bisherigen Bemühungen waren vergeblich. Ich wünschte, etwas hätte mir geholfen.


28 FEB 2022 - 0528

a complete mess.

i don't know why i should live. i hate the fact that i was born. my head is so busy but so, so empty. i laugh and cry, but i don't think i really feel anything.

a couple of days ago, i felt a slight sense of human connection and belonging, as i visited my future uni for the 2nd round. but looking back, it felt as though it didn't really happen, and i'm afraid to return. i think the only way i was able to speak up and make everyone around me comfortable was to simply remove my sense of reality. it was subconscious and involuntary, and it felt like i was just talking to video game characters. i left the earth mentally a long time ago, but i'm still there physically, and i hate it.

i went to my friend's house afterwards, and i suppose i'm meant to say we are together now, but the notion torments me with guilt. i do not feel a thing. actually, it's more complicated; i feel a lot in the moment, but it must be a placebo, because it goes away when i get home and my brain is able to focus in solitude. feelings were obviously always there on both sides, even when we were repressing it at first i could tell for sure. but any leap into intimacy fills me with dread, and i can't turn it off. maybe my last relationship and years of depression killed off any potential i had to mature and enjoy life.


21 FEB 2022 - 0011

bizarrely, i don't feel as upset as i thought i would. of course, i am upset. but i'm not an emotional wreck, like i was during the countless times he stranded me without warning. staying around for him was blatantly turning into my way of self-harming. i'm just numb, and to say i'm fed up would be putting it very lightly. i was watching my worst fears realise themselves every week or so, and every time a new disaster happened due to his self-neglect, it re-traumatised me. and i'm tired of being attacked, belittled and gaslit for stating the obvious fact - that something is seriously wrong, and he NEEDS the attention of professionals urgently. he keeps pressing me for being insecure when he is half of the reason why. he was overdue from psychiatric intervention at least a year ago. i am leaving. i am always going to be scared of whatever happens, but i don't want to be a live witness anymore.

i don't think leaving will make any positive difference, ironically enough. that's why i stayed for as long as i did. already, i have been facilitating another ED relapse, so i'm just replacing one poison with another again. maybe he feels exactly the same about me as i do him. his health concerns are more serious, and i actually treat mine when they arise, but it probably still hurts him to be around me, knowing i am suffering and my life is so stagnant. it reminds me of how people compare me to my mother - someone who has now fully crippled any empathy i had left, and is flat-out evil in my view. if he attacked me again for being a hypocrite, i wouldn't retaliate. i'm not claiming to be perfect, and i am happy to be hurt more in whatever way it happens, because i do deserve it. i just don't want to keep hurting myself for the rest of my life by staying around him. however, right now, as i'm writing, i'm starting to doubt myself. i am sure this is pointless, and the same thing will happen again, because the only people who have given me long-term affection and attention have been exactly the same. someone or something decided, before i was born, that i am to be kept away from anyone healthy, and drawn to the most destructive people in my orbit. it's a comforting thought that i might already be in hell. i have one person in my life now, who i think actually cares and gives me hope, but i really don't know if i have good feelings about anyone anymore. i can't trust them, because i now can't trust anyone who starts off being nice and affectionate and intimate with me. every single one of them ruined me.


13 FEB 2022

destroyed.

z, [12/02/2022 23:55]
it always srarts with them choosing someone over me

z, [12/02/2022 23:55]
someone they barely know usually

z, [12/02/2022 23:55]
thats how i know i mean nothing to them

z, [12/02/2022 23:55]
i have never meant anything to anyone

z, [12/02/2022 23:55]
people just use me for their own convenience

z, [12/02/2022 23:56]
they pretend to care for as long as they can handle

z, [12/02/2022 23:56]
and youre no different

z, [12/02/2022 23:56]
why did you pretend you felt anything towards me

z, [12/02/2022 23:57]
you made me realise no one else actually cared because you gave me what i was supposed to have with friends the whole time

z, [12/02/2022 23:57]
so i just slowly drifted away from everything else because i knew there was no point in wasting my time

z, [12/02/2022 23:57]
but no

z, [12/02/2022 23:58]
you were just fucking acting the whole time

z, [12/02/2022 23:58]
how long did it take you to realise you fucked up talking to me

z, [12/02/2022 23:58]
and why did you keep continuing

z, [12/02/2022 23:58]
knowing what it was going to do to me

z, [13/02/2022 00:00]
you keep asking me why i dont just talk to other people

z, [13/02/2022 00:00]
this is why

z, [13/02/2022 00:00]
this always happens

z, [13/02/2022 00:01]
there is not a single person in the world who thinks i am worth anything

z, [13/02/2022 00:01]
they pretend to themselves that every human life is important

z, [13/02/2022 00:01]
but i dont think anyone actually believes that

z, [13/02/2022 00:02]
everyone always wishes that i am not there

z, [13/02/2022 00:03]
as soon as someone approaches me and i start talking i can see it in their face that they are ruling me out

z, [13/02/2022 00:04]
i am not important to anyone

z, [13/02/2022 00:04]
if i disappeared they wouldnt even look for me

z, [13/02/2022 00:04]
if i died theyd pretend to be sad for a while and then forget

z, [13/02/2022 00:06]
i dont know why i bother trying to work out how to live my life when i will always be working for people and doing a lot of emotional labour for people who all hate me and think my existence just gets in the way of people who really matter

z, [13/02/2022 00:07]
i have never had a single experience where i havent been cast out or rejected

z, [13/02/2022 00:08]
the way they treated me with that college job was fucking sickening

z, [13/02/2022 00:09]
they forgot i even existed until i showed up and now they dont want me but they are deciding to make it as painful for me as possible by making up a bunch of lies so they dont have to say it

z, [13/02/2022 00:10]
everyone in that filmmaking course ignored me until they were forced not to and i could tell they did not want to deal with me

z, [13/02/2022 00:10]
i am always just a problem

z, [13/02/2022 00:10]
i dont know what the fuck i do

z, [13/02/2022 00:10]
i dont think i do anything differently to anyone else

z, [13/02/2022 00:11]
but everyone else treats each other normally and works with them

z, [13/02/2022 00:11]
they think im not aware of what theyre doing

z, [13/02/2022 00:12]
but its happened over and over again my whole life

z, [13/02/2022 00:12]
i was going to do performing arts at college

z, [13/02/2022 00:12]
but on induction they put us in groups to do a task

z, [13/02/2022 00:12]
and i think because i was quiet and not a fucking carbon copy of everyone in there

z, [13/02/2022 00:13]
they literally just stopped talking to me entirely

z, [13/02/2022 00:13]
so i was in this group having to do a scene

z, [13/02/2022 00:13]
as they all pretended i wasnt really there and i was fucking invisible

z, [13/02/2022 00:13]
they literally just decided i did not exist because it was better for them that way

z, [13/02/2022 00:14]
if i were to list anything else that happened like this it would be every fucking time i was ever in a group of more than 2 people for any reason

z, [13/02/2022 00:15]
i dont need to carry on living to experience it again

z, [13/02/2022 00:15]
and again

z, [13/02/2022 00:15]
i know exactly what is going to happen

z, [13/02/2022 00:15]
and i have had enough

z, [13/02/2022 00:15]
i hate you

z, [13/02/2022 00:15]
i hate all of you

z, [13/02/2022 00:16]
i dont even cry for help anymore i practically scream it

z, [13/02/2022 00:16]
because i feel like i have to for anyone to even perceive me for a second

z, [13/02/2022 00:17]
and then all they do is just pretend they didnt see and hope someone else will deal with it

z, [13/02/2022 00:17]
they run away to people theyve decided are better

z, [13/02/2022 00:17]
and i cant live with that anymore

z, [13/02/2022 00:17]
i have avoided it by being at home for months

z, [13/02/2022 00:18]
i talked to people i thought were safe

z, [13/02/2022 00:18]
but now i realise no one is

z, [13/02/2022 00:18]
and there is no reason for me to be anywhere

z, [13/02/2022 00:18]
i have had enough

z, [13/02/2022 00:18]
i know you have had enough

z, [13/02/2022 00:18]
but i dont think you will ever understand

z, [13/02/2022 00:18]
not that you even care

z, [13/02/2022 00:19]
i know that now


05 FEB 2022 - 1826

weird.

[tool - flood]

i felt so much better a few days ago after completing my first... "shift". it's going to be a weekly job, and it felt nice helping some old friends and talking to randoms, even if everything was so poorly organised. i secretly always wanted to be back at college, after the fucking disappointment that was university. i needed to retvrn to a slightly nicer institution. i have moments where i regret re-applying, but i have a long while to decide whether to stay or cancel. thing is, i have no idea what else i could be doing. socialising is also a lot more important than i usually give it credit for. i don't like it, but it does something positive to me that can't be replicated by anything else. the little exchanges that are technically meaningless actually do mean a lot to my brain. i suppose it's the idea that i actually exist to the outside world. i keep meaning to go out on my own accord but i never wake up anymore unless i absolutely have to and it is infuriating me. it is ruining my life. fuck. i can't be bothered to even think about it anymore.


28 JAN 2022 - 2130

deatched.

[nin - big man with a gun]

so much anger i've had to bottle up, years of being tormented and pushed to the absolute brink by her. she drops little hints every so often that she reads every single thing i write that she can get her hands on. what does she expect me to think of her, when she knows the visceral hatred i feel about it? i can't even confront her. it would either end in me being emotionally and psychologically paralysed for weeks (her favourite attack method), OR she'd be left as a bloody pulp by my bare hands (the only way it will stop, because it's in her nature to be like this). i fucking hate when she pretends she is casually bringing something up, but it's obvious she has been obsessing over it for so long and is very adamant on me knowing and following whatever expectation she has relating to it. even worse, when she tries to insert her opinions about things i wrote or posted weeks or months ago, even though she knows i know i don't want her to read. and i have never EVER shown her any place where i write, whether physical or online, so she is also indirectly letting me know she is obsessively stalking me, and i will never be free of this fucking anguish. i called her out for stalking me once and she didn't admit to half of it, and i suspect she never will. she STILL wonders why i don't tell her anything, even though i've confronted her a few times over how terribly she's crippled my trust, which she started to do ever since i developed my own sense of self apart from her. i seriously don't think i am ever going to get over any mental problem i have until she dies, or until i force myself away. she laments what i became, even though it's 90% her fault. living in the same place as someone with all of this history is why i find it so difficult to do or be anything at all. writing this has made me tearful, made me laugh, and made me want to kill everything in sight. and that is the confusion i face daily, but it's always buried in the background.


23 JAN 2022 - 2113

exhausted.

[nine inch nails - last]

i'm sick of being reminded of how awfully people like me are treated here almost every day. it's a type of trauma that will probably stay with me forever, unless in some miracle, the whole of society has a change of heart. even in such a case, i will never forget what they did to us. they often pretend they only want the best but they have let their mask slip too often. they want us gone, and they're ignorant enough to actually believe they have the power to do that. this means thousands of us have to suffer every single day indefinitely, with every crippling new law and state-funded article that blatantly stems from extremist propaganda. it's particularly distressing when i can tell this literal fucking violent and cultish rhetoric is infecting my mother, who was already not the best. i can forgive her for most of her behaviours, as i vaguely know where it comes from... but not this. i'm not even free to just exist openly in my own home. and they WONDER why i can never speak to them about anything -- it's because she would make my life even more of a living hell. she would actively try to shame and attack me out of the way i naturally exist (along with the majority of my friends), as that's her tactic for most of the things she doesn't like about me. whenever anything arises, she purposely puts me in emotional distress for the whole day so i don't have the capacity to argue with her. what a loving mother. i seriously can't handle any more. fuck this terf island shit.

in other news, i think i'm about to get a temporary part time job. which is nice. i think i'll just try and do a few of those before uni, because it's about as much as i can handle. i'm pathetically mentally weak; i have been since i finished sixth form college. i think i need actual psychiatric intervention, but only time will tell.


20 JAN 2022 - 0202

giddy.

[poppy - don't go outside]

i know this won't last but i don't care. i need to make these memories and keep them safe before it's too late


16 JAN 2022 - 1357

affectionate.

[be quiet and drive far away]


14 JAN 2022 - 0123

sleepy.

Ich möchte auf dich aufpassen, egal wie es sich auf mein Schicksal auswirkt.


09 JAN 2022 - 2347

dull.

[the doors]

was no one going to tell me i kept mislabelling the year dates on my entries as 2021? lol.

i feel like every day just disappears. every single second feels like a waste of time that i will never get back. it's very draining to think about. i've had no excuses to go anywhere for well over a month. besides family, but i would rather be alone. i may just force myself, even though there's nothing i can really do besides take what i already do at home outside. that'd be a nice change of scenery, though. and i'm in desperate need of touching grass, as they say. i'm a little bit deranged at the moment, but not in the usual way that i like to be. this form of derangement is just tiresome.


07 JAN 2022 - 0055

bored.

ich weiß nicht mehr. ich aktualisiere die website jetzt nur für ihn, aber ich glaube es intressiert ihn nicht. soll ich gehen? oder liest du gerne mein elend...


06 JAN 2022 - 0402

everyone i have ever been in contact with irl either actively hates me or just doesn't want to know me. all i have ever been to everyone is a problem, even when i have done nothing wrong. i have only ever been everyone's last choice, the one they would never ever choose otherwise and the one where they make a disappointed sigh before they look to me. i never worked out what it is about me and i don't think i ever will. i think it's just who i am. i am scared of saying or doing anything in public anymore because i feel like the same torture is just going to happen over and over again no matter who it is. i wish i was never born. i don't think anyone would notice if i died except (you), and all (you) would feel is relief.


05 JAN 2022 - 1603

semi-conscious.

[sisters of mercy - walk away]

if i don't win this yahoo japan auction i'm going to commit unspeakable acts. i am absolutely deranged, but i am free.

not much of anything is happening right now. no excuses are landing onto me for leaving home, which is frustrating, but probably for the best, considering if i step foot in any communal area i will almost be guaranteed some kind of illness. even so, i haven't looked at anything thelema-related or practiced anything for weeks. i feel like a little faker. i really don't have enough self-discipline yet. i feel like i'm just waiting on the goddamn auction tbh. i haven't been a very materialistic person historically, but it's not like there's much else to do at the moment. i have been aching for this one OP for years and someone is finally selling one, so even if i'm unsuccessful (not that i will allow that to happen), it's given me adrenaline.


01 JAN 2022 - 0000

[bad religion - supersonic]

i guess i'm still here. exactly one year ago to the minute, i was on the phone with someone who i would then date for a couple of months. i feel bad that i ever did it because after all, i think i was just trying to distract myself from how lost and hurt i was at that time. however, he impregnated some girl like a month after i left, so it doesn't haunt me or anything.

i'm not someone who makes resolutions; if i want to start doing something, then i just do it. i've been working out and using duolingo every day for a long time anyway, so i'm probably envied and feared by all the desperate 'new year new me' wagies. i still try to make a mental note of stuff i want to do, though. i definitely want to go to germany this year, since i was supposed to a month ago but my dad decided in his head that they would close down due to the Coof (i saw people entering and leaving there with no problems in this exact time frame, so thanks bozo). hopefully, i get more out of the future than ED-related health problems and a metric tonne of stress from even thinking about leaving the NEET life again.


29 DEC 2021

1508

it felt natural to put everything into you. even though i was in love, and i still am, i can only blame myself. i will never be me again, but i have spent time like that before, so i can handle it for a while. even if i can't, it's not like i have anything left to lose. i think i understand why you are the way you are now. it's very hard to care about what happens to me when i hate the idea of living another second. i can do so many things to escape, but i know in my heart where i belong. i also know i can't return, so i might as well keep myself sedated. i cannot live in a world where every new minute takes me further away from when we were happy.

1746

hunger comforts me


28 DEC 2021 - 0143

this year went far too quickly. so many beautiful moments just zoomed by, and i never felt like i had the time to take them in and appreciate them enough. i'm losing hope. it's likely i'll never experience anything close to what i did this year again. i am further away from those times with every breath i take.

fuck.